The Cuckleburr Times » book

Life Zigs and Writing Zags

A Guest Article Writer — Wed, 03 Aug 2011 07:00:21 +0000

This Be My Guest Article is by Paula Renaye, Author of The Hardline Self Help Handbook:What Are You Willing to Do to Get What You Really Want?

When we look back on our lives and think about how we got to where we are, it is never a straight line. That’s a good thing! It’s the zigs and zags that make us who we are. Whether mine were all necessary is a different matter!

As for my writing career, it’s hard to say exactly when, where and how it all started. Was it when I was old enough to hold my first book? Was it because of my exposure to journalism in high school? Well, that’s certainly the first writing contest I recall winning. Then again, my promising journalism career in college was important too, except that I walked away from all that for “love”—big huge zig-zag.

Of course, there really isn’t a true line in the sand that I stepped over and proclaimed myself a writer. It took a while for me to get in sync with where my heart had always wanted to go.

If I have to pick a point where that inner knowing grabbed me by the throat—kind of literally—and said it was time to get busy, it was when my dad died suddenly in 1991. I did not handle it well, and the turmoil unleashed a lot of things that had been bottled up for many years. And it came bursting out in a really odd way—I started hearing songs in my head.

The lyrics and melodies would just pop in so I started writing them down. After a while, I had a pretty good collection—a couple of local groups even played a few in public venues, which was really fun. But since I was neither a singer nor a musician, I didn’t really know what to do with them—or myself.

I was, however, really enjoying writing again and wanted to do more. So, I found a local writers group and joined in. A couple of people were writing poetry and short stories, but most were writing novels. Well, I thought, I wanted to do that!

I’d read zillions of books and I saw no reason why I couldn’t just whip one out. So I did. Here is the first line of the first book I ever wrote: Still holding the warm gun, Maddie lifted her skirt and ran for the buggy.

Now, seriously, it’s a pretty good line! That book actually won several contests right out of the gate, but never made it to print. My first published novel was Hot Enough to Kill, a humorous mystery that was featured in Redbook. My second, Dead Man Falls, won the 2001 WILLA Literary Award for Best Original Paperback. The third, Turkey Ranch Road Rage, was released last year and I’m working on Killer Moves in all my spare time.

So, you ask, how did it happen that I went from writing funny mysteries to self help books? Well, if you’d read my fictional tales you wouldn’t need to ask that question!

Actually, after the first book came out, life happened. The second book was already set to be published, but life kept zigging and sagging—and not in a good way. In short, death, divorce and delusion took a toll. And, like many people, I started searching for ways to ease my own pain.

I spent a lot of years feeling like I was just treading water—I knew I needed to do something, but I couldn’t see what or how. I love the movie The Secret, but when I was in that stuck place, the only thing I was capable of manifesting was more pain. I needed a pre-requisite class—I needed the secret before The Secret!

Over the course of about ten years, I started some version of a self-help book at least six different ways, but it just never came together. I knew what I wanted to do—to help people who were in the same boat I was, people who feel stuck and yet were afraid to be un-stuck. I wanted to give people in pain, as I had been, a simple and direct roadmap out of it.

That’s really what The Hardline Self Help Handbook is about. It’s a do-it-yourself short course based on what I learned on my own jagged journey and what I now do with my coaching clients and in my workshops. It’s a step by step guide to help people figure out what they really want in their lives, why they don’t already have it—and how they can.

And while the title of the book let’s you know you’re in for some tough love, and with times as they are today, it’s exactly what a lot of us who have been zigging and sagging need and are ready for. Which is exactly why the subtitles asks: What Are You Willing to Do to Get What You Really Want?

Take the challenge, do what you need to do, make your zigs and zags a little less harsh and start living your joy!

Paula Renaye is a professional life coach, motivational and empowerment speaker, regression hypnosis practitioner and award-winning author in both fiction and nonfiction. She has been a consultant for 18 years, holds a degree in Financial Planning and is a member of the International Association of Coaches. Her passion is helping people face reality and take personal responsibility for their choices in order to reclaim their own power and live the life they really want. For special book tour bonus materials and a link to purchase the print book at a discount, visit www.hardlineselfhelp.com. The book is also available here at http://www.amazon.com and on Kindle.

Author Interview: Lin Pardey, Author of Bull Canyon: a Boatbuilder, a Writer and other Wildlife.

A Be My Guest Author — Mon, 11 Jul 2011 06:22:08 +0000

Thanks to Maryglenn for sharing this interview with Lin Pardey, author of Bull Canyon: A Boatbuilder, a Writer and other Wildlife.

How long did it take you to write Bull Canyon
I wrote the bare bones of the first five chapters almost 20 years ago. They languished in a file folder for twelve years. A chance encounter with Maria Eugenia Bestani, a professor of English Literature from the University of Tucuman, Argentina made me reconsider those chapters. Even with her encouragement and the enthusiasm of Kathryn Mulders, a Canadian literary agent, 8 years passed before I was fully satisfied with the manuscript. That’s 20 years from inception to completion—not a record but definitely a long gestation.

Which part of the writing process did you find easiest?
The story telling. Getting the individual incidents down on paper, especially those about my neighbors, the floods and all aspects of building the sheds and boat.

Which part of the writing process did you find most difficult?
Eliminating over half of the stories and incidents I put down on paper. I had such a treasure trove to choose from. I knew I had to be selective so each incident paid off and helped the plot progress toward a logical conclusion.

How was the process of writing Bull Canyon different than the process of writing your previous books?
The vast majority of the chapters in each of my previous ten books had started life as magazine articles, rather like a series of sailing stories. Since editors bought and paid for the stories, I had almost immediate feedback and validation of my efforts. Later, the individual articles were combined into a book with the addition of a few connecting paragraphs. Bull Canyon is, in effect, the first book length story I have written.

I also had an intimate knowledge of the people who would be reading my previous books, as those books were aimed toward other sailors, armchair or actual. At first I tried writing Bull Canyon for my regular readers. But Maria Eugenia convinced me the story would resonate with a much broader audience. This created a new challenge—being sure I didn’t bore non-sailing readers, and at the same time describing how my sailing life influenced so much of what happened during the years in the canyon.

How long after you left Bull Canyon did you begin working on the manuscript?
I always keep a journal, jotting short notes each day. Interestingly, I chronicled the majority of the story about the great car crash within days of it happening. It was such a bizarre event that I didn’t want to forget any of the details. I didn’t actually sit down to write the book until eight years after we left the canyon.

Did writing the manuscript make you homesick for Bull Canyon? If so, how?
No, not homesick, but it definitely brought back a flood of memories. In fact, one of the most enjoyable parts of writing this story was reliving those years with Larry. We spent hours reminiscing, laughing over the crazy incidents, metaphorically patting ourselves on the back as we reflected on the successes we had in spite of some quite daunting roadblocks.

What was your favorite part of living in Bull Canyon?
The parties! Big ones, small ones. The old stone cottage had a magical quality about it. The quiet of the canyon and the beauty of the hills around us helped our visitors slow down and relax. Almost all our friends who drove out stayed for a night or two. Then the warmth of the oil lamp light, the intimacy of the roaring fire seemed to evoke wonderfully wide-ranging conversations and music. Even better, since we had lots of room around us, it didn’t matter how many people showed up for two or three times a year pot luck occasions. It is amazing how many friends trace the origins of their relationships back to those country weekends at the old stone cottage in Bull Canyon.

Least favorite?
Mud and dust. I don’t think either of us was prepared for this aspect of country life. Remember, we had just spent eleven years on a small sailboat anchored out in quiet lagoons, sailing across oceans. One of my favorite aspects of life afloat is, though it may sometimes be wet or windy, it is almost always clean and dust-free. Of course being allergic to the desert plants and insects was a close second.

What was the hardest part about leaving Bull Canyon?
Saying good-bye to Cindy. I still miss that lovely dog and the long walks she lead me on. Right from the start leaving had been part of the plan. For a few years, while we were caught up in the California dream, we did contemplated making the old stone cottage part of our long term life. But my allergic reaction and the break down of Barbara and Jimmie’s marriage changed that. So in the end the cottage had to be sold.

How did your time in Bull Canyon change you?
I gained tremendous confidence in my ability to earn my living as a writer. I also felt less intimidated by the challenges I’d later face as we set off to sail around the Great Southern Capes because I realized almost anything would be easier than trying to control the forces of nature, and the inter-neighbor politics we’d seen in Bull Canyon.

How did your time in Bull Canyon shape and influence your work as a writer?
I never had formal training as a writer; numbers, math and engineering were what I was attracted to as a youngster. Until we moved to Bull Canyon, the few things I’d learned about my craft came about from reviewing stories after editors had massaged them (or hacked them up to gain space for advertising) into magazine articles, and by dissecting why particular articles were purchased quickly, why others were rejected. Once telephones arrived in Bull Canyon, I found myself working directly with Patience Wales, an editor at Sail magazine who had a successful background in short fiction. She gave me dozens of hours of one-on-one editorial training and plot-shaping advice. From her I learned the difference between a vignette and a story and, hopefully, used this lesson well.

If you had to pick the “best” lesson Bull Canyon taught you, what would it be?
I have always prided myself in being a highly organized person. But living in the canyon taught me to be far more flexible about changes to what Larry called my “tidy little plans.” I also learned going right to the top is often the only way to muddle through a bureaucratic situation.

It is fascinating to watch the progress of Taleisin through the pictures in Bull Canyon. What was it like to see Taleisin taking shape before your eyes? Was it bittersweet in any way in that it represented a time when you would leave Bull Canyon?
The only thing I like better than watching things being built is being part of that process. Watching Taleisin take shape was utterly fulfilling. Each new piece of timber that was fitted then varnished felt like a reason to celebrate. At first, I didn’t want the construction to go too quickly as I was enjoying the adventure of being on shore, savoring canyon life. I came to love our daily routines, my writing time (and wonderful office,) contact with my family. But as the frames slowly began to look more like a boat that would carry us onto new adventures, I began feeling ever more restless. Looking back, I feel blessed that the project and our time in Bull Canyon lasted just long enough.

Did the two of you ever drive each other crazy?
Although we worked together on the whole project, we both had our own jobs to do. When we weren’t working separately we were scheming and planning and wishing there was more time to spend with each other. Then I tended to be away on my own for twice a month shopping expeditions. Twice during the four years, I was off for 3 week long special events. Thus when readers envision us being constantly together 24/7 they are getting the wrong picture. On the other hand, we and others like us who share careers find it hard to imagine what it is like sharing their partner with jobs that fill the best hours of the day. Soon after we began building our first boat, 18 years before our Bull Canyon project, Larry asked me to quit my day job and work with him. His reason, “You wake up rushed and in a hurry to go off for 10 hours to work for someone else. Then you come home tired and often grumpy to spend the evening with me. Some employer gets all the best hours of you for money and I get the little that is left over for love.” In Bull Canyon we definitely shared the best hours. But as you’ll learn in this book, tensions do occasionally rise so we have come up with rules for handling them.

What do you hope readers take away from Bull Canyon?
The most important aspect of our Bull Canyon life was the growth it created in my marriage. By working as a true team Larry and I built something far more successful than either of us could have conceived of doing by ourselves. If this book inspires even one reader to work in true partnership with their spouse, then it will not only have been an enjoyable project but an emotionally rewarding accomplishment.

Did you ever envision writing a memoir? What finally convinced you to take the plunge, so to speak?
I never considered writing a memoir. I have written many tales about my sailing adventures but in those I rarely discussed the emotional aspects of my life. This book did not start out to be a memoir. But as it came together, it took on a life of its own. At first it was my mother sneaking her way into the manuscript. I had to examine my relationship with her. Then it was having to explain how I related to my canyon neighbors. Only when I accepted that this was a memoir did I figure out how to draw the story together.

What is the best piece of writing advice you’ve ever received?
Just when I decided to write my first magazine article in Cartegena, Columbia, Larry and I were invited to dinner by the owner of a local restaurant. He introduced to his wife, Penny Lernoux, a professional journalist and at the time, head of the South American International Press Bureau (see Penny Lernoux-Wikipedia for more). She generously invited me to spend the next morning at her home. When I arrived she handed me a note book and said “write about something that happened at dinner last night.” She left the room without giving me any further instructions nor time for questions. So I sat and pondered then wrote. Two hours later she came back in, stood at the door about 15 feet away from me and said, “Show me what you’ve written.” I held up the notebook and fanned out the pages. She tossed me red pencil and said, “Get rid of half of it.” Then Penny turned and walked away. An hour later she came back and quickly thumbed through my heavily red penciled pages without reading them. “I’ve taught you all you need to know; one—there is a story in everything you see or do, and two—half of what you wrote doesn’t have to be there.” After she made up a tray of coffee and sandwiches Penny did sit down and skim through my words and add, “Learn those lessons and you’ve got a good chance since you obviously know how to string words together.”

What is the worst piece of writing advice you’ve ever received?
Soon after I started writing sailing stories almost 35 years ago, a magazine editor took me to meet a quite famous London literary agent. “Haven’t been attacked by any sharks? Haven’t been eaten by a whale? Forget it, no one will read a book that doesn’t have a really dramatic story.” It was about three years later that our first sailing book was published. It told about life on a small boat and the interesting encounters we had with people along our sailing route. There are no big dramas, only a few days of stormy weather and lots of fine sailing tales. Cruising in Seraffyn has now sold over 50,000 copies and is still in print and available as an eBook, and people still write to tell me they how much they enjoyed the story.

What’s next for Lin Pardey book-wise? Do you have other books in the works?
I have already begun work on a book about the adventures we had on the boat we built in Bull Canyon. I also have notes for a second book I want to call The Compelling Power of Adventure.

Thanks Lin for sharing that with us! – Ed.

Bull Canyon (Hardcover, ISBN: 978-1-929214-67-9, $24.95, 6 x 9, 304 pages; eBook, ISBN: 978-1-929214-66-2, $16.95, Category: Autobiography/Memoir; Midpoint Trade Books, distributor) is now available via all good bookstores.

Lin Pardey is the author of eleven books. She and her husband Larry have sailed more than 200,000 miles and received some of sailing’s most prestigious awards. The Pardeys have also created several instructional videos on offshore voyaging. They make New Zealand their home base, but spend part of each year cruising on board their engine-free 29-foot sailboat Taleisin. Visit Lin Pardey online at: www.linpardey.com.

Book Excerpt: Pitch Uncertain By Maisie Houghton

A Book Excerpt Author — Mon, 11 Jul 2011 06:05:01 +0000

I was born in 1940, a bad time for the world, but I never did anything bad until the day I cut off my hair and left it on the floor for my mother to find, a bright, hot pool of yellow curls.

I was four. It was wartime and we were living in a rented house in Winter Park, Florida. My father, an officer in the navy, had recently been stationed there. My mother and I, along with Sybil, my older sister by two years, and Elizabeth, “Tizzy,” a new baby of two months, had moved from New York City to be near him.

Florida, despite all its palm trees and relentless sunlight, seemed dark to me — the people and the houses. Unaccustomed to southern heat, my mother kept the old, verandaed house heavily shaded. The blinds were always down, the curtains drawn. Someone was always taking a nap, my mother, my father (but not together), the amorphous baby. Sybil and I tiptoed around the closed doors, but when we went outside the glittering light hurt our eyes.

In the kitchen was Lily Mae, the black maid. Marion Skillon, a trained nurse from Naples, Maine, was also there. Uncertain in a new land, my mother had persuaded Marion to make the long journey south. Marion, all starched whiteness and squeaking rubber-soled shoes, stuck to the new baby upstairs. Lily Mae ironed endless rivers of laundry and passed dead-looking platters of food in the shadowy dining room.

My father was almost never there. When he did appear, it was often with a swirl of laughing young pilots in uniform. They brought us shells from the beach that we never visited. They set us on their knees, putting down their drinks to balance us on their laps.

The afternoon I rebelled, my mother was a long while on the telephone. She wasn’t the type to chatter on. She served as a sounding board to solve other people’s problems. My mother had been called to the telephone during a rare treat: We had been having lunch alone together. Her low voice burred on as she twisted the cord in her hand. What was she saying? To whom was she speaking?

I slipped away from the dining room table, wandering sulkily through the muted rooms. On my mother’s desk a pair of scissors gleamed. Long and sleek, they were grown ups’ scissors, not the stubby, disappointingly blunt ones we used for paper dolls. I ran my hand over my head. My hair was the one thing about me that was different. In everything else I matched my sister — our seersucker dresses, our red sandals, our black eyes. But Sybil had two brown pigtails while I still had a baby’s fuzz of buttery curls. I thought about Marion Skillon in the mornings, twisting my hair into ringlets, wrestling the ribbon to the top of my head. “There now, aren’t you sweet? Now go and be good.”

Suddenly it was easy to pick up the slender weapon and start to cut. One tentative snip and then I was possessed with the necessity to act and be done with my boldness. My curls fell away like skin being shed by a snake. It went so fast I hardly knew what I was doing. I crept back to the kitchen to face Lily Mae. She stared silently. “Your mama be upset,” she said, shaking her head as she moved through the swinging door with a stack of freshly ironed shirts. A little panic seized me, but, almost gleefully, I hurried to stand defiantly before my mother. She was still sitting, unspeaking, by the telephone. She seemed unmoved. “Heavens, what did you do that for? It will take forever to grow out.” Marion peered at me over the banister railing. “You’ve lost your looks,” she sniffed.

My mother guided me toward the dining room. “We must finish lunch,” she murmured, rousing herself. The table looked half-ravaged, like my hair, with crumpled napkins and tired lettuce on the plates. I started to weep at the enormity of what I had done. Fat tears fell on my grilled cheese sandwich. “Don’t fuss, darling,” consoled my mother distractedly. She wasn’t even looking at me.

There was an unspoken lesson in that afternoon. My mother should have been angry but instead she held her tongue. Was it at that point that I learned to guard the peace, to mind my manners, to keep my mouth shut?

On my report card, the music teacher wrote “pitch uncertain.”

In school someone would grab me from behind on the playground: “whose side are you on? Lucy’s?” — the charismatic troublemaker, or “Kitten’s?” — the charismatic good-girl. It seemed easier — and smarter — to keep my mouth shut.

One day I came home from school tense, weepy from trying to please everyone. My mother uncharacteristically drew herself up and exhorted me to “Stick by your guns, have the courage of your convictions.” Most important of all, “Be yourself!”

“But how do I know who I am?” I wondered.

Growing up, I swam like a fish in the clouded waters of family life.

My family was large, consisting mostly of women. Since I was born in 1940, the men in the family were soon absent, sent as soldiers to Europe or as naval officers aboard ships to the distant Pacific.

I remember not only my mother’s mother, “Gran,” as we called her, but also her mother, my great-grandmother, erect, dignified and austere in her long dress. The family I remember also harbored a great-great maiden aunt, several great-aunts and endless pretty cousins. During the war we stayed intermittently with my mother’s mother, Gran Jay. Though a young widow at fifty-two, she still kept a rambling house in what was then the quiet countryside of Long Island for her five daughters and one neighboring daughter-in-law.

Gran ran her house as an ark, the center of an otherwise fragmented family life. Her daughters dipped in and out of this comfortable, familiar world, using it as a kind of sacred place, sometimes for absolution and redemption, sometimes just for temporary sustenance, always for nourishment.

The above is an excerpt from the book Pitch Uncertain: A Mid-Century Middle Daughter Finds Her Voice by Maisie Houghton. The above excerpt is a digitally scanned reproduction of text from print. Although this excerpt has been proofread, occasional errors may appear due to the scanning process. Please refer to the finished book for accuracy.

Copyright © 2011 Maisie Houghton, author of Pitch Uncertain: A Mid-Century Middle Daughter Finds Her Voice

Maisie Houghton, author of Pitch Uncertain: A Mid-Century Middle Daughter Finds Her Voice, was born in New York City, grew up in Cambridge, Massachusetts, in the fifties and graduated from Radcliffe College in 1962. With her husband, she has lived in Corning, New York, for over forty years. Pitch Uncertain is her first book.

For more information please visit TidePool Press.

The Power of Intention

A Be My Guest Author — Sun, 19 Jun 2011 01:52:37 +0000

This Be My Guest Author Article is by Pascal Marco, Author of IDENTITY:LOST.

I’ve had fun quoting Oprah’s “There’s no such thing as a coincidence” mantra and I will tell you I have fully embraced this belief with Lady O. She has been the world’s #1 proponent (besides my own personal life coach and wife, Karen) of the belief of the power of intention.

I guess it’s really all about letting go and having fun. Children embrace this belief by playing and using their imaginations. I was once like this with my own creative imagination, many, many years ago. But for various reasons (some valid, some purely weak excuses) I hid and buried my desire to create for decades.

Then it all changed about five years ago.

Through a series of remarkable, serendipitous events, things started to happen. Some would call them coincidental but for me they had a distinctly stronger message than just mere happenstance occurrences. One of the first was when I attended Game 5 of the 2005 ALCS Championship when the Chicago White Sox visited the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. If my White Sox won then they would be playing in their first World Series in 46 years. Chance got me and a friend not only into a game when we were told no tickets were available but had us sitting in the opposition owner’s box seats with his family.

The White Sox won and that event spurred me to write a story about it. That story turned into half-a-dozen more I wrote over the next year on a White Sox fan web site. By this time my desire to write had been rekindled and I began to think about this story I had locked away for over twenty-five-years.

I had recently sold my business, which provided me with a very modest profit, enough I hoped to give me a brief amount of time to not have to work full-time. I took that time to look for my notes I had kept along with newspaper clippings about that story only to find that after moving a few times over those 25 years I had misplaced the documents. The power of the Internet and the help from a friend’s daughter who attended a Chicago university, allowed me access to the Chicago Tribune’s historical archives.

I plunged headlong into finding the details of that crime that had been committed along the shores of Lake Michigan in Chicago’s Burnham Park. Along the way, I discovered this rich, long forgotten history of the area where the crime occurred. That took me down another road and re-ignited my love of history. By this point I was completely hooked and spent many months researching, reading, and writing.

It was at about this same time I stumbled upon a local writers group called the Scottsdale Writers Group. I was back to work, keeping afloat a fledgling Internet business I had started, which now consumed the majority of my time. But I was too deep into my pledge to myself to not quit on my dream of writing this story. So, with some trepidation, I walked into the SWG one day and announced I’d like to join. I was warmly welcomed by such an unselfish group of people, all willing to help me (as well as themselves) develop our writing skills and story ideas.

After two years of bringing in a new chapter every other week, I was done, and my novel (with the working title “The Murder of Manny Fleischman–Last of the Black Sox”) was complete. How naive I was because from that point forward the real work had only just begun.

That was March 2008 and about two months later I had another serendipitous event occur that would change my life forever. I was summering in Lake Geneva, Wisconsin and one day saw a small poster at the library in nearby Fontana, announcing that New York Times best-selling author Brad Thor would be in town signing his latest book. I had never heard of Brad Thor but I knew I had to go to this event. When would you ever expect to meet a NY Times best-selling author in Fontana, Wisconsin? So with my wife and brother-in-law at my side, went to meet Mssr. Thor.

It was a very intimate signing for his latest book, THE FIRST COMMANDMENT, but that setting gave me an opportunity to speak with Brad. I admitted to him I had never heard of him but that as a budding writer I felt compelled to meet a real author, let alone a best-selling one. The words gracious and warm don’t do justice to describing Brad’s demeanor toward me and when he found out I had a completed manuscript he immediately recommended I attend ThrillerFest in NYC. He told me if I got there to “look him up” and he’d be happy to help me in any way he could.

When I got to my computer and investigated this event, I was blown away at the cost. The event was less than two weeks away and putting a last minute trip to NYC added to the financial challenge. We were stretching (squeezing) dollars at this point and as far as I was concerned, if there was a definition of a trip we could not afford, this one was it. But Karen scoffed at my fear, dismissing the thought of my not going. “He invited you, didn’t he?” she reminded me. “If you really want to get this manuscript publish you have to go.”

I paid the last minute airfare, booked the mid-town Manhattan hotel, sent in my non-member attendee fee. When I landed at La Guardia, I hailed a cab and headed to ThrillerFest 2008.

And…well…here I am now, ready to see my novel on bookstore shelves across the country with its release this week.

There are no coincidences anywhere in this tale. It is just a story of a naive guy who grew up on the southeast side of Chicago who always kept believing even someone like him could one day make his intentions come true. And so can you.

Pascal Marco was born and raised on the far Southeast side of Chicago, the grandson of Italian immigrants. Listening to his father’s advice, he stayed close to home and graduated with honors from the University of Illinois – Chicago with both B.A. and M.A. degrees in Communications and Theatre. He’s thankful and blessed he grew up in the Windy City, a place which helped inspire him to create the rich and unforgettable characters in his debut thriller novel, IDENTITY: LOST from Oceanview Publishing. Visit Pascal at www.pascalmarco.com and join him and his fans on Twitter and Facebook.

Video Game Addiction: Five Warning Signs for Assessing Risk

A Be My Guest Author — Fri, 17 Jun 2011 18:43:00 +0000

This Be My Guest Author Article is by Scott Rigby and Richard M. Ryan, Authors of Glued to Games: How Video Games Draw Us In and Hold Us Spellbound.

Games are powerfully motivating of deep engagement that can last for hours on end, day after day. The first step to really understanding how to manage gaming in your life (or that of a loved one) — and to identify when there may be a problem — is understanding what is really at the root of games strong motivational pull. It’s not some mystical force, or a secret desire to blow things up, as many non-gamers might fear. The research we’ve been doing for the last eight years, has helped to identify the basic psychology of game motivation and engagement. This serves as a critical foundation to understand the incredible “pull” of games, as well as serving as a guide for when addiction may be emerging.

Simply put, hundreds of motivational studies have demonstrated that we all have basic psychological needs for competence (a feeling of mastery, growth, and efficacy), autonomy (that sense of personal volition and feeling there are many interesting opportunities from which to choose), and relatedness (a feeling that “I matter” to others, and they matter to me). Decades of research have shown these needs are always operating, whether we’re playing games, at work, playing sports, or just being social. They are, in other words, fundamental or basic psychological needs.

Good games draw us in because they are designed to satisfy these needs really, really well. Specifically, they satisfy needs with immediacy, consistency, and density. Let’s talk about each of these briefly . . .

Immediacy means that games are readily available. I bet all of us could be playing a video game — either on our phones or computers — within the next ten seconds if we wanted to. Sure beats the hour of driving just to get back and forth to the movies or out to the soccer field.

Consistency means that games give us clear paths to success and achievement, and treat us fairly. A game doesn’t tell us we got passed over for promotion because of office politics, or benched during the baseball game unfairly. Games give us the rewards they promise, each and every time. And we can count on them in that way.

Density means that games give us a rich field of opportunities to pursue, activities to undertake, and challenges to conquer. While “real life” often seems sparse, games are there to offer us this density as well as instant feedback that makes us feel effective and even important.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with games ability to satisfy us in these ways. In fact, it can make gaming a very rich and meaningful experience. But it is also true that we need to watch out for becoming over-involved with gaming. Since we now know why gaming is so compelling psychologically, we can look out for “warning signs” more effectively. Here are five tips:

1) Do you see a big “satisfaction gap?” — When you think about how needs are satisfied in your “real life” versus games, do games come out way ahead? In our research, we consistently find that over-involvement in games goes hand-in-hand with feeling a lack of basic need satisfactions for competence, autonomy, and relatedness in other areas of life, such as school, work, social relationships, and non-gaming hobbies and activities. The data suggest that if our basic needs are too sparsely satisfied by life, there may be a susceptibility to over-involvement in video games. Why might this happen? Well when life isn’t meeting our needs, the immediate and dense availability of satisfactions for competence, autonomy, and relatedness in games often become a stronger pull that draws us in too long and too often.

2) Are Games “Crowding Out?” — Do you miss deadlines at work or school because of gaming? Do you often choose to game rather than spend time with friends or family? One gamer I know reflected wistfully that he had missed most of the first five years of his daughter’s life because he spent so much time gaming. If you’re having these kinds of feelings about relationships, or not meeting other responsibilities because of playing video games, it is a sure sign that you might have a problem with too much gaming.

3) Are you feeling personal pressure, guilt or shame around your gaming? — It may sound like a funny thing to say that some gamers feel they “pressure” themselves into gaming, but it happens. There is a feeling that games are something you’re compelled to do, even if you don’t particularly enjoy or want to play at that moment. You may feel a sense of guilt or shame about firing up another game, but do so anyway. If this feels like a common experience for you, it is a sign that you are over-involved in gaming.

4) Are you playing four or more hours a day? — A simple rule of thumb is how much time you spend on average every week playing video games. We find that up until about 25 hours, there is no direct association between time spent playing, and negative feelings or decreased well-being. Above that line, however, we see a relationship begin to emerge between 25+ weekly hours, and bad outcomes. So as one quick check: How much time on average are you spending gaming each week? If it equals a half-time job or more — it really deserves a look.

5) Is gaming isolating important others? — While you are running around virtual worlds, perhaps in the company of dozens of other online friends, slaying dragons and completing missions, it is sometimes hard to remember that you are leaving the molecular world — and often the loved ones that are under your own roof — alone and isolated from you. If you are immersed in a fantasy world, you aren’t in this one. Be sure to check in with family and friends about this. Listen to them if they express concern or even some feelings of abandonment. If you feel you can’t respond to their requests to have more of your time, it is a sign you are too deeply involved with games.

© 2011 Scott Rigby and Richard M. Ryan, authors of Glued to Games: How Video Games Draw Us In and Hold Us Spellbound

About the Authors
Scott Rigby PhD, co-author of Glued to Games: How Video Games Draw Us In and Hold Us Spellbound, is founder and president of Immersyve, Inc., a research and consulting group specializing in the psychology of virtual worlds and interactive technologies. In addition to publishing scholarly research on human motivation, Dr. Rigby has himself developed interactive applications for entertainment (Sony, Warner Brothers), education (The Smithsonian Institute), and health care.

Richard M. Ryan, PhD, co-author of Glued to Games: How Video Games Draw Us In and Hold Us Spellbound, is a clinical psychologist and professor of psychology, psychiatry, and education at the University of Rochester, Rochester, NY. He is cofounder of the Self-Determination Theory and has published well over 300 scholarly articles in the areas of human motivation, personality development, and applied psychology.

For more information please visit http://www.gluedtogames.com/ and follow the authors on Facebook and Twitter

The Good China

A Guest Article Writer — Sat, 28 May 2011 07:02:16 +0000

This Be My Guest Article is by Eric Poole, Author of Where’s My Wand?: One Boy’s Magical Triumph Over Alienation and Shag Carpeting.

A while back, a friend of mine told me that her mother’s aunt used to stand in front of the stove, cooking dinner, wearing a full-length mink coat and her best jewelry.

This is my kind of woman. Not just because she sounds slightly insane and obviously doesn’t care if somebody breaks a tooth on a diamond brooch in the meatloaf; but because this kind of behavior represents a “live for today” attitude that I pretty much suck at.

Don’t get me wrong, my furniture isn’t covered in clear plastic (yet). I don’t reuse toilet paper (yet). I do manage to have a little fun. But all too often in my life, I’ve “saved the good china”.

And then, I lost a work friend to diabetes. And another friend’s longtime partner to AIDS. And last week, my partner’s twin brother to liver disease. All of them in their 40′s. All in the space of a few weeks.

And I began to think that life is waaay too short. So maybe I should just go crazy. Maybe I should take a trip around the world or try out for America’s Got Talent or blow all my money on a talking robot.

Of course, I can’t take months off of work to backpack the world. And it’s unclear exactly what talent I actually have. And I don’t really need one more person yelling at me on a daily basis.

Maybe I’m just too practical for my own good. I’ll probably end up in the spirit world going, “Damn, why didn’t I show up at Starbucks in my SpongeBob p.j.’s? Why didn’t I hand out $100 bills at homeless shelters? Why didn’t I rent an Amish buggy to drive to a rave?

Which leads me to a question: What constitutes “living for today”, and what is just plain irresponsible?

Trying to balance having a life of No Regrets with the possibility that you might outlive both your money and your liver is not exactly easy. I’d kinda prefer not to hit my expiration date lying in some gulag nursing home staffed by Nurse Ratched and the guy from Saw.

So what’s the answer?

Maybe Controlled Crazy. Maybe I’ll travel as far around the world as I can get in two weeks. Maybe I’ll try out for a stand-up comedy class at the Improv. Maybe I’ll blow $100 on a talking pedometer.

Hey, baby steps.

Eric Poole, author of Where’s My Wand?: One Boy’s Magical Triumph Over Alienation and Shag Carpeting, is a VP of marketing for a major media company and the winner of more than thirty advertising awards. He was once called “the best undiscovered writer I’ve ever met” by Tracey Ullman, an accolade he continues to live up to. He lives in Los Angeles with his partner of nine years.

For more information please visit http://www.ericpoole.net, and follow the author on Facebook and Twitter.

The Addict in Me

A Be My Guest Author — Wed, 30 Mar 2011 07:00:27 +0000

This Be My Guest Author Article is by Rain Mitchell, Author of Tales from the Yoga Studio.

In advance of the publication of my novel, Tales from the Yoga Studio, I spent a portion of the Fall talking it up to as many people as I could. I was trying to promote my book as a good reading group selection, and attempting to convince everyone I know who is either a big reader or a yoga practitioner (or both) that I thought they’d have a lot of fun with it.

In the midst of all this self-promotion, one friend said, in a slightly peeved tone of voice, “So what are you reading right now?”

I hesitated for a minute and then mentioned that big fat novel that everyone was supposedly reading, the one whose author was on the cover of Time magazine and, even more famously, on Oprah.

“Enjoying it?” she asked.

“Well, I’m just at the beginning,” I confessed.

What I didn’t tell her was that I had bought the book over a month earlier and had barely read twenty-five pages. I’d given myself the usual excuses for why I hadn’t made more progress — too busy, book too dense, don’t like the print. And so on.

But when I went home that night, resolved to dip into the book and really make a dent in it, I had to face the truth. For months (okay, years) I had been too Internet-involved/distracted/addicted to do even a fraction of the reading I did throughout my life. My mother was an English teacher, and my sister and I were brought up to love books. I never (and I mean never) left the house without carrying a book. No matter what happened — car breaking down, traffic jam, mom in grocery store for too long — it would be a perfectly fine day because I had my book with me, and that’s all it took to make me happy. I’d choose the next book I was going to read before I was halfway through the one I was reading, and for my birthdays, I always asked for a gift certificate to our local indie bookstore. Vacations meant unlimited reading time, and I identify certain period of my life with the novel I was reading at the time.

But about five or six years ago, I began spending more and more time online. I’m not even sure doing what. I’m not a big Facebook person, I don’t “get” Twitter, I don’t gamble, and I’ve never (I mean it) had any interest in porn. But there were all those emails to check, all those YouTube videos to watch, all those news stories to read, songs to download, blogs to peruse, gossip sites to dip into, and real estate listings to drool over. Add it all up, and it spells hours. Hours. Daily.

Every time I sat down to read, I lasted about five or six minutes before I had to jump up and check my email or get a live update on something really important, like Angelina Jolie’s marriage or a reality star’s plastic surgery nightmare. The sad truth is, I had whittled down my attention span to seconds and had impaired my powers of concentration. As a result, for years, I had been struggling through a mere few novels a year instead of the two or three per week I had enjoyed before I ever heard of gmail.

When you spend a vast chunk of your life doing something that has no intrinsic value and robs you of the ability to do what you do love, something’s off balance. I’ve watched enough episodes of Intervention to know that I was hooked and out of control.

I decided, right then and there, to cut down to thirty minutes online per day. To monitor myself, I wrote down when I went online and when I went off, the way a dieter is supposed to write down everything she eats.

That lasted about twelve hours.

I went to a hypnotist recommended by a friend. I guess I’m not suggestible enough.

I tried to convince my nurse practitioner that I needed a prescription for Ritalin. She wasn’t buying it.

Then, around Thanksgiving, I had the realization that instead of trying to convince myself to stop doing something, I should take a more positive approach. Why not just try to encourage myself to read more and see what happened?

In the past, checking my email was the last thing I did at night and the very first thing I did upon stumbling out of bed in the morning. My new plan was to make a cup of tea, lie on my favorite sofa, and read for fifteen minutes before I touched the computer, before I did anything. It’s always good to start off slowly, as I learned in yoga classes.

What surprised me the most was that I initially found it painful to avoid the computer. I mean physically painful. For the first few mornings, I actually felt a kind of muscular withdrawal, as if my whole body was straining to sit down at the keyboard and go online. It hurt!

But fifteen minutes? I could do that. I was reading Maryann in Autumn, a novel by Armistead Maupin. Light, funny, and short chapters. Not too intimidating. Each morning, it got a little easier to avoid the computer, and by the fifth day, I found myself reading for half an hour. Then, without even realizing it, I started getting up a little earlier so I’d have more reading time before sitting down to write. A few chapters before the end of that Maupin novel, I was eagerly searching my bookshelves for the next book I was going to read.

Like any addict, I’m taking this one day at a time. But it’s now over three months since I started, and I haven’t missed a single morning. I usually read for at least an hour after I get up, and even better, I find myself reading instead of doing you-know-what in the evening as well. I’m back to reading about two novels a week, and I feel as if my concentration has improved in all kinds of other areas as well. I feel as if I have my life back.

When I was describing this to a friend, she said, “Gee, Rain, it sounds as if you’re getting addicted to reading books.” I happily admitted that I am. I always have been. And honestly, I can’t think of a more wonderful addiction.

So now, let me tell you about this novel I wrote . . .

© 2011 Rain Mitchell, author of Tales from the Yoga Studio

Rain Mitchell, author of Tales From the Yoga Studio, began practicing yoga as a teenager and is currently at work on the second novel in the series. Rain’s favorite pose is corpse. For more information, visit http://www.talesfromtheyogastudio.com/

12 Bits of Advice For a Rewarding Life

A Be My Guest Author — Mon, 21 Mar 2011 14:54:26 +0000

This Be my Guest Author Article is by Tina Sloan, Author of Changing Shoes: Getting Older -Not Old- with Style, Humor, and Grace.

1) Be True to Yourself. Always make sure that the shoes you wear are your own. That way your feet will know where to take you.

2) Never Compromise All of Yourself. The truly great thing about women dating at our age is that, unlike in their younger days, most are not willing to compromise.

3.) Claim Your Feel Good Energy. I think, more than anything, feeling sexy and desirable is about energy. It’s all about tapping that flirtatious instinct that all women have.

4.) Live in Kindness and Generosity. We need to be generous with the women following in our footsteps in the hope that they will be generous with us.

5.) Embrace Change. Change often leads us somewhere interesting, whether we’ve looked for it or not.

6.) Expect Bitter-Sweet Moments. There is perhaps nothing more rewarding for a parent than watching your child grow up and spread his wings- and for many, nothing more heartbreaking at the same time.

7.) Prepare to Reinvent Yourself. Kids bring so much energy into your life- different people and all sorts of new experiences and ideas. When you get older, you have to generate that energy yourself, and you have to work at it.

8.) Give Back. Nothing quite prepares you for the unsettling feeling of being called upon to care for those who once cared for you.

9.) Persevere. We do learn something about ourselves when we are up against the wall, and we do most certainly come out stronger.

10.) Draw Your Own Map. Aging is like a marathon. The key is to stay in the race and continue putting one foot in front of the other until we cross the finish line on our own terms.

11.) Choose to Live Rather than Exists. You have to learn to silence the voice that tries to cajole you with excuses and reasons why it would be better to just sit this one out.

12.) Don’t be Afraid of Falling. Whenever I wondered if I was brave enough to take another chance, or stretch beyond my normal range, or try something completely new I remind myself that I was an expert at the fine art of falling, and that most of the time, I landed on my feet.

Copyright © 2011 Tina Sloan, author of Changing Shoes: Getting Older -Not Old- with Style, Humor, and Grace

Tina Sloan, author of Changing Shoes: Getting Older – Not Old- with Style, Humor, and Grace, played the role of Nurse Lillian Raines on Guiding Light, which aired its final episode in 2009 after a seventy-two year run on radio and television. She has appeared on many other television shows, including Third Watch, and Law & Order: SVU, and in a variety of feature films, including The Brave One and Changing Lanes. She is currently shooting two feature films and touring nationally in her acclaimed one-woman show, Changing Shoes. She lives in New York with her husband, Steve McPherson. They have one son, Renny.

For more information please visit http://www.changingshoes.com/ and follow the author on Facebook and Twitter.

Changing Your Life with a Simple Thought: What You Can Do to Get Back on Track

A Be My Guest Author — Tue, 01 Mar 2011 03:42:40 +0000

This Be My Guest Author Article is by John Edward, Author of Infinite Quest: Develop Your Psychic Intuition to Take Charge of Your Life.

Consider how you react when things do not go “your way.” Are you quick to judge the situation from a negative or blaming viewpoint, or do you stop and think about the experience as a whole and what valuable lesson might be there for you to learn? How you program your experiences makes all the difference in the world. In my new book, Infinite Quest, I give readers a “metaphysical toolbox” of sorts, which they can use on their spiritual path. One of the first tools offered is a clear and definite change of perspective.

I was only nineteen when my mother passed over and losing her left me feeling very alone at the time. As I sat in my car looking up at my mother’s bedroom windows, I heard a simple message that I still remind myself when encountering any difficult situation. In that moment of grief I was given two options: Option #1: BE A VICTIM and spiral further into negativity and use whatever the situation is as the excuse, or Option #2: MAKE IT AN ADVENTURE and turn life into whatever good you can manifest.

Live Passionately and Be a Force for The Universe To Use. You can accomplish a lot, or you can stagnate and slow down the process. Ultimately your destiny is in your hands. Often it seems much easier to just blame it on “the man upstairs” and say it’s his entire fault that these things are happening in your life. You could blame your parents or your childhood experiences, but as of today you know that your life is solely your responsibility and you no longer can use anything or anyone as an excuse.

Take the time to make things happen for you instead of letting them happen to you.

Be the Best YOU Possible

Know you are capable of rising to any challenge. You can start to realize that your free will is alive and kicking and it’s totally up to you how you choose to live your life. The more energy and effort you put into this experience the more you will benefit from it. It goes back to the simplistic boomerang theory of energy–what you project out comes back.

I am not trying to give you the impression that all you have to do is say a few affirmations and everything will fall into place. Both magic and change require commitment and perseverance to manifest. There is no quick fix and it doesn’t happen overnight.

There is a conscious lifestyle shift that has to happen and only then can real change take place.

As long as you see yourself as a student of the Universe — eager to learn and willing to listen — you will continue to grow mentally and spiritually. Be hungry for knowledge and keep your mind open to whatever lessons you are meant to receive.

The spiritual results play out very differently for every one of us. It is important not to look for the instant gratification or the immediate reward. One step at a time. You will see, feel, and experience life through a different lens and that is the true prize. Know that the decisions and choices you are making today yields a more amazing tomorrow. Open your eyes and pay attention, but not just to people and situations, but what the Universe itself is whispering in your ears.

© 2010 John Edward, author of Infinite Quest: Develop Your Psychic Intuition to Take Charge of Your Life

John Edward, author of Infinite Quest: Develop Your Psychic Intuition to Take Charge of Your Life, is an internationally acclaimed psychic medium, author, and lecturer. On his internationally syndicated talk shows, Crossing Over with John Edward and John Edward Cross Country, he captivated audiences worldwide with his unique abilities to connect people with loved ones who have crossed over to the Other Side. John has appeared on many other talk shows, including the Today Show, Oprah!, and The View, and has been a frequent guest on CNN’s Larry King Live. He is a regular guest on morning radio, including New York’s WPLJ and Los Angeles’ KROQ. John has been featured in articles in the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, People, and Entertainment Weekly. John is the author of several New York Times best-sellers, including Crossing Over: The Stories Behind the Stories and What if God Were the Sun? He conducts workshops and seminars around the world, and is the founder of the metaphysical website InfiniteQuest.com. John lives in New York with his family.

Please follow the author on Facebook and Twitter.

Thoughts on Genesis as Literature

A Be My Guest Author — Wed, 12 Jan 2011 02:53:02 +0000

This Be My Guest Author Article is by John R. Coats, Author of Original Sinners: Why Genesis Still Matters

We tell our lives in stories made of fact and fable. The former skims along the surface to report in the language of who, what, when, and where; it is not required to look below the data. The latter issues reports of the same life, but in data found elsewhere, and in another language. The former was unknown to our deep field ancestors. Their media for preserving and passing the essence of a culture between generations was only the language of fable, tales of creation, of gods, of heroes and heroines – - epics that both teller and listener knew to be mythic. Genesis is a pastiche of such stories, and from so deep in our human past that the book, as we have it, is a retelling, memories of ancient tales told by old men and women. But is it literature?

First, another question, “Why bother with literature at all?” Harold Bloom writes that, “A prime reason we should read is to strengthen the self.” Okay, but strengthen what about the self? In high school and university, I read many of the classics, but mostly without enjoyment. In my pre-literature adult life- – clergyman, trainer and speaker for an international foundation, management consultant- – like so many others, I read little that did not directly impact my work. In the eighties, I bought day-planner-sized synopses of the classics and of the hot new business books. A tidbit of Hemingway, Fitzgerald or even Proust with the right client- – that is, one I was certain had not read the book- – could take me one notch closer to a new contract. While I’d learned early on how the biblical stories can be used as mirrors in which to see the self with greater clarity, I didn’t suspect that this stuff called “literature” might offer something more than an opportunity to score points by pretending to know what was between their covers.

Then the literature bug sank its teeth, and I discovered that a deep reading of most any serious work can, and without warning, suddenly become a reflecting pool in which the reader sees himself. Whether he likes it or not, and to a greater or lesser extent, the behavior, attitudes, and motives displayed by its characters are his own. By providing insight into self, into the larger human condition, this mirroring offers an opportunity to “get out of the sensible world . . . [to] feel parts of the soul awakening that had never been awake before . . . [to] rise at last above all this stuff, the accidental, the merely phenomenal, the wastefully and randomly human, and be fit to enter higher worlds.” If giving access to these “higher worlds” is one of the marks of literature, then, beneath the layers of doctrinal varnish, Genesis more than makes the cut.

The other characteristics of literature are there, as well: A plot (sort of) with plenty of nuance and surprise, fully drawn characters (the lack of physical detail calls on the reader’s imagination), narrative drive, and, at the end, a sense of completion. In contrast to the Bible’s reputation for dreariness, once the reader steps back from the habit of regarding the text through the gauze of centuries-old doctrinal filters, the characters in Genesis emerge into the light as participants, however fictive, in a world that did exist. They love, hate, are jealous, betray one another, disappoint one another, experience death and grief. One character even laughs – - out loud, no less. The rest of the comedy, of which there is an abundance, is subtle, embedded in the burlesque of human behavior, and available only to the reader who brings a sense of humor, a love of eye-rolling irony, and at least some affection for human beings and their endless capacity for screwing up their lives.

Genesis comes with oddities you won’t find in modern literature. For one, it is not the work of a single hand, divine or otherwise, but of several unknown authors from different traditions whose work was woven into a single narrative about 2500 years ago. A second oddity, an outgrowth of the first, is that the reader encounters different versions of the same story. For instance, the first four chapters contain two separate accounts of the creation – - chapter 1.1-2.4a, written by the source designated as “Priestly” (P), and Genesis 2.4b – 4.24, written by the “Jahwist” (J) – - each of these with a separate idea about the nature of the divine. A third oddity is that so many of us were taught to regard the Bible as history, its characters as people who’d once lived. From there, a shift in perspective is required before the reader can see Adam, Eve, Cain, Abel, Noah, et al., not as historical characters but as literary creations, mythic expressions, characters in an ancient, archetypal, fable.

Finally, the question, “Does it belong in a literature curriculum?” Whatever attitude one might have about the proper place of the Bible in society, the shaping effect of Genesis on our literary canon has been significant. To name but a few, without the “J” source, there’d be no second creation story with its Garden of Eden, without which there’d be no Paradise Lost in which Milton re-imagined the “Fall”, no Paradiso for Dante to journey toward, thus no Divine Comedy to inspire Shakespeare. Nor would there be a Yahweh to influence the Bard’s vision of Lear, no serpent on which to model Claudius, “the serpent” in Hamlet, and perhaps the arch-villain Iago whose whisperings into Othello’s ear end in tragedy. And there’d be no Adam and Eve to inspire Mark Twain’s funny, outrageous The Diaries of Adam and Eve. Like the proto-tale of Romulus and Remus, Cain and Abel is a story of fratricide without which there would be no East of Eden, what Steinbeck considered his magnum opus. In my own book, Original Sinners, Why Genesis Still Matters, I likened the dilemma of Bigger in Richard Wright’s Native Son to that of Cain. Kafka wrote four midrashic reflections on the Tower of Babel, and his Amerika, writes Robert Alter, was a “fantastic fusion of Genesis and Exodus with a contemporary New York and Oklahoma.” In his essay “The Story of Abraham and Sarah,” Philip Lopate likens the restless wonderings of Port Moresby, in Paul Bowles’ The Sheltering Sky with the wanderings of Abraham, the patriarch who also put his wife in harm’s way- - twice! Thomas Mann’s Joseph and His Brothers is the retelling of the last thirteen chapters of Genesis. Then there are T.S Eliot’s “The Waste Land,” William Golding’s Lord of the Flies and The Spire, John Donne’s “Twickenham Garden,” Hardy’s Tess of the d’Urbervilles, D.H. Lawrence’s Sons and Lovers and, with a twist, Shelley’s The Revolt of Islam, in which the serpent symbolizes goodness.

So, yes, Genesis belongs. Without it, any survey of Western or world literature would be not only incomplete, but impoverished. Moreover, if Harold Bloom is correct, and “the purpose of reading is to strengthen the self,” and if that strength is to be gathered through deeper understanding of oneself and one’s fellow human beings, then this ancient book that has so influenced our culture, with its array of human characters so rife with imperfection, is an absolute must.

© 2010 John R. Coats, author of Original Sinners: Why Genesis Still Matters

John R. Coats, author of Original Sinners: Why Genesis Still Matters, holds his master’s degrees from Virginia Theological Seminary (Episcopal) and Bennington College Writing Seminars. A former parish priest, he was a principal speaker and seminar leader for the More To Life training program. He lives with his wife, Pamela, in Houston, Texas.

For more information please visit www.JohnRCoats.com and connect with him on Facebook and Twitter.

Fighting the Death Penalty: Hope for Change

A Be My Guest Author — Sun, 12 Sep 2010 21:37:01 +0000

This Be My Guest Author Article is by Andrea D. Lyon, Author of Angel of Death Row: My Life as a Death Penalty Defense Lawyer.

I have spent most of my professional life trying to save my clients from the death penalty. I often get asked questions like how can I do this work? Wouldn’t I want death for someone who killed one of my family? And sometimes the questions are more pejorative than that.

In circumstances where I have been asked to debate the death penalty, I have found recently that proponents of the death penalty have stopped trying to argue it deters crime — they know it doesn’t, or that it costs less — they know that isn’t true either (See for example “The Cost of the Death Penalty in Maryland” which estimates 37 million for one execution). They also have stopped saying that all victims want this, because while some do, many do not. In fact all of the justifications for the death penalty come down to just one which they effectively argue; retribution. Put another way, many people feel that some people just shouldn’t be on this earth, what they did was just too awful. The desire for retribution is a powerful one, and trying to deny someone the “right” to feel that way is foolish.

But here is what I know — most people don’t know these defendants intimately. They don’t know their life stories, what circumstances drove them to be where they were and now are, and can’t see their humanity until it’s placed before them in a sentencing hearing — if they are lucky enough to see a sentencing hearing done by someone competent and who cares.

It’s a selective blindness that we develop — we can’t absorb all the pain around us, so we just don’t look. We don’t see the homeless man we pass by, or the mentally ill woman who is talking wildly to herself, or the children going to school day after day in the same clothes where they will eat their only meal — the free school lunch. I am not saying that this blindness, this choice not to see the truth makes us bad, or inhumane — we have to defend ourselves from overload or we can’t do anyone any good. But while no one can do everything, everyone can do something.

And I have chosen to try to tell my clients stories, to help other lawyers tell their clients’ stories and teach my students of the value of each of our clients’ lives. I have represented gang members, a serial rapist-murderer, several paranoid schizophrenics, battered and abused women, and battered and abused men. Their stories are shocking, desperately moving and occasionally, in spite of everything, downright funny. Some, indeed, committed the acts they were accused of, and some did not. But no matter what they did or did not do, I believe that every person I have defended is a human being of value. Some are terribly damaged; some lack even tenuous connections with reality. Each of their lives tells us about the ways in which individuals and institutions can go horribly astray, but they also reveal what remains human and noble in the midst of such waste.

Once, I defended a young woman for killing the father who had been molesting her since she was five years old. Unfortunately, I made mistakes during the trial and I lost the case. At its conclusion, I rushed to reassure her that we would appeal. What did she say to me — this young woman facing many many years in prison? “Are you okay? Are you all right to drive? I don’t want you to be home alone tonight.” She was more worried about me than about her own sad fate. Happily, I did get her conviction reversed on appeal, and we settled for time served in lieu of a new trial.

What this story demonstrates to me is that even people facing the most horrendous prospects are still capable of caring about someone other than themselves. Time and time again, I have seen incarcerated people find within themselves unexpected capacities. Some counsel younger inmates; some mediate family conflicts; many make a positive contribution to the world. And even those who have demonstrated total indifference to the lives of others can change. Redemption is possible. As long as there is life, even if it is a life in prison with no chance of parole, there is hope for change.

Andrea D. Lyon, author of Angel of Death Row: My Life as a Death Penalty Defense Lawyer, is Clinical Professor of Law, Director of the Center for Justice in Capital Cases, and Associate Dean for Clinical Programs at DePaul University College of Law in Chicago. She began her career at the cook County Public Defender’s Office, working her way up to Chief of the Homicide Task Force, a 22-lawyer unit that represents people accused of homicide. Lyon has tried more than 130 homicide cases, both within the public defender’s office and elsewhere. She has defended more than 20 potential capital cases at the trial level. Of these, she has taken 19 through the penalty phase, and won them all. She lives in Flossmoor, Illinois.

For more information please visit www.andrealyon.com.

Three Keys to a Successful, Conservative Financial Plan

A Be My Guest Author — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 02:00:54 +0000

This Be My Guest Author Article is by Pamela Yellen, Author of Bank On Yourself: The Life-Changing Secret to Growing and Protecting Your Financial Future.

Imagine what it would be like to have a financial plan that gives you predictability, control and tax advantages – a method that lets you bank on yourself, rather than Wall Street, the government, or an employer.

It may surprise you to learn that such a method already exists… and has for over a century. Hundreds of thousands of people use it, and not one lost a single penny in their plans when the stock and real estate markets crashed. In fact, their nest-eggs have all continued growing every year – safely and predictably.

As a consultant to financial advisors, I’ve researched over 450 savings and investing products and strategies over the past two decades. Most proved to be worthless, or even dangerous to your financial health. I was fortunate to finally stumble on a method that many folks with conservative values agree may well be the best way to invest money.

I call this method “Bank On Yourself,” because it lets you take back control of your financial future, stop relying on others for your financial security, and become your own source of financing. Let’s take a look at the three keys to a successful financial plan that this time-tested method gives you: Predictability, control, and tax advantages.

Key #1: Predictability

My research into financial strategies led me to conclude that Americans have been brainwashed into believing we must risk our money in order to grow it. It is possible to grow a substantial nest egg – without the risk or volatility of stocks, mutual funds, real estate, and other investments.

There is an asset class that has increased in value during every stock market decline and every period of economic boom and bust for more than a century.

That asset is dividend-paying whole life insurance.

A dividend-paying whole life policy grows by a guaranteed and pre-set amount every year. In addition, the growth is exponential, meaning it gets better (more efficient) every single year you have the policy, simply because you stick with it. And no luck, skill, or guesswork is required to make that happen.

Furthermore, there are little-known options that can be added to the policy which turbo-charge the growth of your equity (“cash value”) in the policy.

Once credited to your policy, both your guaranteed annual cash value increase, plus any dividends you may receive, are locked in. They don’t vanish due to a market correction. Dividends aren’t guaranteed, but some companies have paid them every single year for more than 100 years, including during the Great Depression.

These policies also give you peace of mind for retirement planning, because you can know the minimum guaranteed income you can take in retirement, and for how long you could take it.

Key #2: Control

You control the money in your policy, not the government. You can use it when and how you choose, without the restrictions or penalties common to 401(k)’s and other government-sponsored retirement plans.

You can use the money to “bank on yourself” and become your own source of financing, so you can reduce or even eliminate the control banks and financial institutions have over you. You can get access to your equity in the policy by answering just one question: How much do you want?

No begging, no prying credit applications to fill out, and no need to pledge your first born.

Key #3: Tax Advantaged

One of the biggest appeals of 401(k)’s is that they allow you to defer your taxes.

But what direction do you think tax rates will be going over the long term? If, like many people, you believe taxes are going up, consider that if you’re successful in growing your nest-egg, you’ll only end up paying higher taxes on a bigger number.

Even if tax rates stay the same, it’s estimated that by deferring your taxes, you’ll ultimately pay 10-20 times more in taxes over a 30-year period!

Consider paying your taxes up front – at least you know what they are. Dividend-paying whole life is taxed more like a Roth IRA – you fund it with after-tax dollars and you can take a retirement income from the policy with little or no tax consequences, under current tax law.

There are many myths and a great deal of misinformation about this powerful financial tool, and no shortage of “experts” who will tell you to avoid whole life policies.

Financial security expert, Pamela Yellen, is author of the New York Times best-selling book, Bank On Yourself: The Life-Changing Secret to Growing and Protecting Your Financial Future. For more information, visit: www.BankOnYourself.com and take the $100,000 Challenge. It lets you test your knowledge of the facts about dividend-paying whole life. And a $100,000 cash reward awaits the first person who has a different product or strategy that can match or beat a properly structured dividend-paying whole life policy.

Intuition: The Language of Love

A Be My Guest Author — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 01:29:01 +0000

This Be My Guest Author Article is by Sherrie Dillard, Author of Love and Intuition: A Psychic’s Guide to Creating Lasting Love.

Tara, a friend of mine, first noticed Jeff while standing in the crowded line of a coffee shop waiting for her morning dose of caffeine. When their eyes met she felt a deep and compelling inner stirring. A casual hello that morning and the following morning, led to conversation and Jeff asking her to dinner. On their first date Tara told me that there was no denying their shared mutual attraction. Despite their many differences, such as education and occupation, Tara works for a biotechnical firm and Jeff drives a city bus, they both felt an instantaneous and unspoken connection to one another.

The immediate attraction that people in love often feel for one another is seldom logical or rational. It is instead a form of intuitive knowing that springs from the deep stirrings of the soul.

Intuition has been defined as simply knowing something without knowing how you know it. We have all had this experience. For instance, have you ever had a strong feeling of trust or mistrust in another upon first meeting? Have you ever thought of a loved one and you soon receive an email or phone call from them? Or have you ever pushed away uncomfortable feelings about another because you had no proof of problems and later regretted doing so? These are all common intuitive signals that most of us at one time or another experience.

Feelings of love and attraction magnify intuitive ability. Take Gabby for instance. For the past several weeks when her husband Carl, leaves for work, she feels heaviness in the pit of her stomach. Although Carl keeps assuring her that everything at work is going well, Gabby has a hard time ignoring the sinking feeling that something is not right. When sharing this feeling with a friend of hers who works for the same company as her husband, she discovers that there are rumors of impending layoffs. This information confirms what she has been feeling. With this advanced notice, Carl immediately contacts a career recruiting service that had previously sought him out.

Everyone has intuitive ability and with a little attention and focus you can learn how to effectively use it. Your intuition can for instance, help you to attract a loving partner, provide valuable insight into others and increase self awareness as to your own sometimes baffling emotional patterns and attractions. Your intuitive knowing can also save you from unnecessary relationship heartache, increase intimacy and help you and your partner to more effectively communicate.

The following steps will help you to tune into and develop your natural intuition.

1. To begin, become aware of how your intuition naturally surfaces. It will emerge primarily through your thoughts, your emotions, your body or your spirit essence.

If you receive intuitive information through your emotions you are an emotional intuitive. You are empathetic and feel what others feel. You give from the heart and most likely you long for a deep authentic loving relationship with a soul mate. Emotional intuitives believe that love can conquer all and are usually sympathetic, compassionate and sometimes vulnerable partners.

A mental intuitive intuits through their thoughts. They often intuit the opinions, views and ideas of others. They see the big picture, and their intuitive ability inspires creative ideas and solutions to problems. In relationships mental intuitives need to feel understood, accepted and acknowledged for their keen perception and insight. They tend to be nonjudgmental, open minded and interesting partners.

If you are a physical intuitive you likely absorb the energy of others and the environment into your body. A physical intuitive will often experience their intuition as gut feelings or spontaneous aches and pains. Upon first meeting another they may for no known reason experience tingling shivers up their spine or their stomach may churn and somersault. In relationships a physical intuitive demonstrates love through touch, hugs, hand holding and sexual intimacy.

A spiritual intuitive receives intuitive energy in less tangible ways than the other three types. They may receive intuitive information about their family members and friends in their dreams or through instantaneous impressions. These types of intuitives will sometimes “see” family members who have passed over and they may have visions of the future or of events in distant places. In relationships a spiritual intuitive is likely to fall in love at first sight, be spontaneous, insightful and wise.

2. However your intuition emerges, listen to it. Trust your initial impressions. It is often the first impulse you have about another, even before you know much about them that is the most accurate. Make it a habit to check in and listen for your intuitive responses.

You might want to tune into the signals of your particular intuitive type.

If you are an emotional intuitive notice how you feel around others. Are you quickly comfortable, calm, stressed or anxious? Do you feel open hearted or self protective?

If you are a mental intuitive you might hear an inner voice telling you that either something is not “right” or that you can relax and trust. Another common intuitive signal for the mental intuitive is an idea or thought that quietly but persistently keeps surfacing.

If you are a physical intuitive tune into your physical boy. Do you feel tight, tense or relaxed? Do you develop headaches or stomach pains around certain people or situations?

A spiritual intuitive will often intuit in his or her dreams. If you suspect you are a spiritual intuitive, before you go to sleep at night ask for a dream that will help you to understand a particular person or situation. When you wake notice your initial feelings and thoughts and if you can recall a dream, write it down. If you do not understand it, seek help in interpreting it. You might find that it holds valuable information.

3. Once you become aware of an intuitive sensation or impression, spend some time alone where you can be undisturbed and further tune in. Focus within and ask for the message or meaning behind the intuitive sensations. Listen and try not to logically figure this out. Breathe, relax and become receptive. Then trust what you receive.

Be honest about your desires and expectations, about another or a relationship. Your expectations of another will muffle your ability to listen to important vital intuitive information. Be willing to know the truth and release your desired outcome.

Once you consciously begin to develop and align yourself with your intuition, the intuitive messages, sensations and impressions will increase. Be patient with yourself and the process. With time and practice your intuition will strengthen and become more clear and accurate.

Love is a powerful force that is always intuitively guiding you.

Author of the bestselling Discover Your Psychic Type, Sherrie Dillard has been a New Thought pastoral counselor, professional psychic, medium, and teacher for over twenty years. She has taught classes and workshops, both nationally and internationally, on the life-enhancing aspects of intuition development. Her writing has also appeared in New Age Journal and on Wellness.com and HitchedMag.com.

For more information please visit www.SherrieDillard.com and follow the author on Facebook.

Book Excerpt: Alice in Wonderland and Philosophy: Curiouser and Curiouser by William Irwin with Richard Brian Davis

A Book Excerpt Author — Sat, 12 Jun 2010 18:40:23 +0000

Introduction: You’re Late for a Very Important Date

“You take the blue pill,” Morpheus says to Neo in The Matrix, “and the story ends . . . . You take the red pill and you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.” It’s a tempting offer, isn’t it? For at one time or another in our lives, we’ve all wanted to escape — from a dull and tedious job, an impossible relationship, from a world in which we often have so little control over what happens to us. Perhaps it’s for reasons such as these that our culture has become positively obsessed with the idea of transcending the confines of this world for the cool fresh air of another. Whether it’s by a red pill, a secret wardrobe, a looking glass, or a rabbit-hole, it doesn’t really matter. We’ll take it.

Of course, we don’t just want to know how deep the rabbit-hole goes. That’s a given; after all, it’s a portal to another world — “four thousand miles down, I think.” We also want to know how to make sense of what we discover when we suddenly land “thump! thump!” in Wonderland and pass through the looking glass. And Alice’s Wonderland is an oh! so curious place filled with both dangers and delights. Here we encounter blue caterpillars who smoke hookahs, babies who turn into pigs, cats whose grins remain after their heads have faded away, and a Mad Hatter who speaks to Time. There is a White Queen who lives backward and remembers forward, and there are trials in which the sentence is handed down first with the evidence and verdict given out only afterward. And you’d better be on your best behavior while there. As the Red Queen sees it, beheading is a punishment that fits every crime!

We’ve spoken of Wonderland’s dangers, but what of its delights? Why should anyone want to travel to such a world? As Cheshire Puss tells Alice, you must be mad “or you wouldn’t have come here.” Is Wonderland simply a land of sheer nonsense, or is there a method to Lewis Carroll’s madness? Well, as the Duchess wisely observes, “Everything’s got a moral, if only you can find it.” And the moral of the book you now hold in your hands is that there are deep philosophical riches to be had in Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking-Glass, answers to life’s ultimate questions, if only you have the proper guide.

You don’t have to be blue, a caterpillar, or under the effects of the hookah to ask a deep question like “Who in the world am I?” As Alice says, “That’s the great puzzle!” Indeed it is. How can I know whether this or that job is right for me, if I don’t know who me is? Indeed, how can I know what I can become in the future? (Hardly any of us, I dare say, is satisfied with who we are at present.) And to know the answers to these questions, I must know who I have been. I must remember. But that’s often my problem: I forget. What to do? What to do? The Alice-addicted philosophers in this book will clear the air of the hookah smoke and forward you the decryption codes for unlocking your personal identity. And you’ll be glad they did.

As you read on, you’ll be amazed to discover why nice girls don’t make history (and Alice is better than any Disney princess); what the Red Queen can teach us about nuclear strategy; whether we should do more with mushrooms than just eat them (and what sort of “trip” to expect if we do); and how Alice, procrastination, and the Spice Girls are all mysteriously connected. “What a curious feeling!” You can put it all together for the first time. So “Read Me.” Venture to taste this book, and if “finding it very nice,” we recommend that you “very soon finish it off.”

The above is an excerpt from the book Alice in Wonderland and Philosophy: Curiouser and Curiouser (The Blackwell Philosophy and Pop Culture Series) edited by Richard Brian Davis with series editor William Irwin. The above excerpt is a digitally scanned reproduction of text from print. Although this excerpt has been proofread, occasional errors may appear due to the scanning process. Please refer to the finished book for accuracy.

Richard Brian Davis is an associate professor of philosophy at Tyndale University College and the coeditor of 24 and Philosophy.

William Irwin is a professor of philosophy at King’s College in Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania. He originated the philosophy and popular culture genre of books as coeditor of the bestselling The Simpsons and Philosophy and has overseen recent titles, including Batman and Philosophy, House and Philosophy, and Watchmen and Philosophy.

The Blackwell Philosophy and Pop Culture Series:
A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, and a healthy helping of popular culture clears the cobwebs from Kant. Philosophy has had a public relations problem for a few centuries now. This series aims to change that, showing that philosophy is relevant to your life–and not just for answering the big questions like “To be or not to be?” but for answering the little questions: “To watch or not to watch House?” Thinking deeply about TV, movies, and music doesn’t make you a “complete idiot.” In fact it might make you a philosopher, someone who believes the unexamined life is not worth living and the unexamined cartoon is not worth watching.

To learn more about the Blackwell Philosophy and Pop Culture series, visit www.andphilosophy.com, and follow the series on Twitter and Facebook.

How I Stopped “Waiting for Jack”

A Be My Guest Author — Sat, 12 Jun 2010 02:39:59 +0000

This Be My Guest Author Article is by Kristen Moeller, Author of Waiting for Jack: Confessions of a Self-Help Junkie: How to Stop Waiting and Start Living Your Life.

The first time I met Jack, I ripped a hundred-dollar bill out of his hand.

On a cold winter day in Denver, I waited in line to see one of my heroes, Jack Canfield, the coauthor of the best-selling Chicken Soup for the Soul series and the author of The Success Principles: How to Get From Where You Are to Where You Want to Be.

Where I wanted to be was a version of what Jack had become — an author, a speaker, an inspiration to thousands of people. He was the whole package — successful, kind — a visionary for what is possible in the world. I thought, “If I can get to know him, I will become that.”

When I saw the opportunity, I grabbed it. Literally. During his presentation, Jack reached for his wallet, pulled out a hundred-dollar bill, and said, “Who wants this?” Hands shot up in the audience; people leaned forward to see whom Jack would choose. But I leapt up, ran up the stairs to the stage, and grabbed the bill from his hand. As I was launching myself in the air, thoughts raced through my mind — was I about to be humiliated in front of 800 people? Would they call security and haul me from the stage? But my desire for bold action was louder than any voice of doubt.

As I plucked the bill from his hand, he turned to me and said, “Yes, that’s it! We can’t wait around for the opportunities to come to us. We must take action to create what we want!”

After his talk, I waited in line to formally meet Jack and boldly asked for his personal e-mail address. Over the next several months, I sent him lengthy e-mails sharing my vision and dreams. He kindly e-mailed back one-liners of encouragement such as, “Keep thinking and playing bigger; it’s much more fun that way. Love, Jack.” Then my life got busy with other things. I lost sight of my inspiration and I stopped e-mailing Jack.

A year later, my dreams had grown stale. I had this idea if I got back in touch with Jack, he might just provide the perfect, inspiring nudge I needed. I was looking for something that would spur me into action, like a giant arrow that would show me the way.

I emailed him, and then emailed him again — but got no response. As I sat down at my computer to check my email for the fifth time in 15 minutes, I suddenly woke up.

What was I doing?

I was waiting! And this time I was waiting for Jack. I realized waiting was a behavior that began when I was a little girl. I waited to be older — surely freedom would begin when I had my first boyfriend, first kiss, got my drivers license, graduated from high school and went to college. Then I waited to know what to do with my life. I had always waited, thinking the great prize of life was just around the corner. And I had started to believe Jack was the answer; that knowing him would provide something I thought I was missing internally.

I remembered the crowd, most likely desiring that hundred-dollar bill, while they sat glued to their chairs. What were they waiting for? An Oliver Wendell Holmes quote ran through my mind, “Many people die with their music still inside them.” Instantly, I knew I needed to do something about all this waiting. The inspiration came like lightening: I was going to write a book! A book about waiting and call it “Waiting for Jack!” Instantly, ideas and chapter titles came to me.

It all sounded good but then reality hit, I was writing a book. . . . Some nights I cried and wanted to give up; others I celebrated my courage. I wrote, re-wrote, ripped it all up, burned what was left and started over. I hired editors, changed directions then changed back. I danced in the moonlight and curled up in a ball on the floor. I told everyone I was writing, and then wished I hadn’t. I grew, contracted, then grew again, stretching further than I ever thought possible.

Fortunately, I have surrounded myself with a life of personal development and I have access to all the tools anyone could ever want. I know I can “feel the fear and do it anyway”. I know how to take action. I know how to move forward even when every molecule in my body tells me to stop.

We all have a “Jack” for whom we wait — whether it’s a person, a place or a thing. We falsely believe the gifts of life are just around the corner; that anywhere is better than here; that one day we will arrive and everything will be okay. So we don’t try, we give up, we sell out, we forget who we are. We are afraid to succeed, afraid to fail and afraid to say we are afraid. But as Wayne Gretzky said: “You’ll always miss 100% of the shots you don’t take!” So I stopped waiting and I wrote.

Three years later, Waiting for Jack is a best-seller on Amazon! I have grown in ways I never expected. I know that I am capable of so much more than I ever knew before.

Now I ask you, what are you waiting for?

Kristen Moeller, MS, is the bestselling author of Waiting for Jack: Confessions of a Self-Help Junkie: How to Stop Waiting and Start Living Your Life. As a coach, speaker, and radio show host, Kristen delights in “disrupting the ordinary” and inspiring others to do the same. She first discovered her passion for personal development in 1989 after recovering from an eating disorder and addiction.

Kristen is also the founder of the Chick-a-go Foundation — a not-for-profit that provides “pay it forward” scholarships for life altering training programs reaching people who otherwise cannot afford such opportunities.

When she is not actively making a difference in the world, she thrives in the beauty of Colorado and enjoys hiking, snowshoeing, riding her horse or just spending time reading or relaxing in her magical, solar-powered house on the side of a mountain with two large dogs, an ornery cat and her best friend and husband of 15 years.

For more information please visit www.waitingforjack.com and follow her on Facebook and Twitter.

Building Your Network

A Be My Guest Author — Sun, 30 May 2010 12:03:20 +0000

This Be My Guest Author Article is by Brian Tracy, Author of No Excuses!: The Power of Self-Discipline.

We live in a society, and as a member of that society, it is likely that every change in your life is strongly influenced by other people in some way. The courses you take in school that shape your career are often at the instigation of a friend or counselor. The books you read, the tapes you listen to, and the seminars you attend are almost invariably the result of a suggestion from someone you respect.

The occupation you select, the job you take, and the key steps in your career are largely determined by the people you meet and talk to at those critical decision points in your life. In fact, at every crossroad in your life there is usually someone standing there pointing you in one direction or another.

According to the law of probabilities, the greater number of people you know who can help you at any given time, the more likely it is that you will know the right person at the right time and in the place to give you the help you need to move ahead more rapidly in your life. The more people you know, the more doors of opportunity will be open to you and the more sound advice you will get in making the important decisions that shape your life.

Dr. David McLelland of Harvard did a 25-year research study into the factors that contribute most to success. He found that, holding constant for age, education, occupation and opportunities, the single most important factor in career success is your “reference group.” Your reference group is made up of the people with whom you habitually associate and identify. These are the people you live with, work with and interact with outside of your work. You identify with these people and consider yourself to be one of them. They consider you one of them as well.

When you develop a positive reference group, you begin to become a member of the in-crowd at your level of business. The starting point in this process is to develop a deliberate and systematic approach to networking throughout your career.

People like to do business with people they know. They like to socialize and interact with people with whom they are familiar. And they like to recommend people they trust. Fully 85% of the best jobs in America are filled as the result of a third party recommendation. The best networkers are never unemployed for very long.

One of the biggest mistakes that people make when they begin networking is scattering their time and energy indiscriminately and spending their time with people who can be of no help at all. Even if they attend organization meetings, they often end up associating with people who are neither particularly ambitious or well-connected.

When you network, you must be perfectly selfish. You want to become all you can over the course of your career. You want to rise as far as you can. Any success you could ever desire will require the active involvement and help of lots of other people. Your job is to focus your energies and attention on meeting the people who can help you and the only way you can do this is by staying away from the people who cannot help you at all.

When you network, your aim is to meet people who are going places in their lives. You want to meet people who are ahead of you in their careers and in their organizations. You want to meet people you can look up to with pride. You want to meet people who can be friends, guides and mentors. You want to think ahead and meet people who can help you move into your ideal future more readily. For this reason, you must sort people into categories: helpful vs. non-helpful, ambitious vs. non-ambitious, going somewhere vs. going nowhere. Remember, your choice of a reference group in your networking will determine the success of the process.

You begin your networking process at your place of work. Look around and identify the top people in your organization. Make these people your role models and pattern yourself after them. One of the best ways to start networking is to go to someone you admire and ask for his or her advice. Don’t be a pest. Don’t tie up several hours of their time. Initially you should ask for only a few minutes and you should have two or three specific questions. When you talk to a successful person, ask questions like, “What do you think is the most important quality or attribute that has contributed to your success?” and, “What one piece of advice would you give to someone like me who wants to be as successful as you some day?” You could also ask, “Can you recommend a particular book, tape, or training program that would help me move along more rapidly in my career?”

There is a law of incremental commitment in networking. It says that people become committed to helping you, or associating with you, little by little over time. In some cases the chemistry won’t be right and the person with whom you would like to network will really not be interested in networking with you. Don’t take this personally. People get into, or out of, networking for a thousand reasons. However, if there is good chemistry, if you like the person and the person likes you, be patient and bide your time. Don’t rush or hurry, just let the networking relationship unfold without over-eagerness on your part. If you try to go too fast, you will scare people away.

Instead of asking your superiors for more money, ask for more responsibility. Tell your boss that you are determined to be extremely valuable to the organization and that you are willing to work extra hours in order to make a more important contribution.

There is nothing so impressive to a boss as an employee who continually volunteers for more responsibility. Many people have the unfortunate goal of doing as little as possible for as much money as possible. But not the winners. The winners realize that if all you do is what you’re being paid for today, you can never be paid any more in the future. The person who continually volunteers for extra assignments and does more than is expected gains the respect, esteem and support of his or her boss.

Whenever you do something nice or helpful for others, they feel a sense of obligation. They feel like they owe you one. They have a deep subconscious need to pay you back until they no longer feel obligated to you. The more things you do for people without expectation of return, the more they feel obligated to help you when the time comes.

We have moved from the age of the go-getter to the age of the go-giver. A go-giver is a person who practices the law of sowing and reaping. He or she is always looking for opportunities to sow, knowing that reaping is not the result of chance. You will find that successful people are always looking for opportunities to help others. Unsuccessful people are always asking, “What’s in it for me?”

The surprising thing is that the more of yourself you give away with no direct expectation of return, the more good things come back to you in the most unexpected ways. In fact, it seems that the help we get in life almost invariably comes from people whom we have not helped directly. Rather, it comes from others who have been influenced by people whom we have helped directly. Therefore, since you can’t control where your help or assistance is coming from, you must establish a blanket policy of giving with complete confidence that it will come back to you in the most wonderful ways.

Whatever your job or occupation, there are trade and industry associations, business associations and service clubs that you can join. Excellent networkers are among the best known and most respected people in the community. To reach that status, they followed a simple formula. They carefully identified the clubs and associations whose members they can help and support and who can help and support them in return. And then they joined and participated.

When you look at the various organizations you should join, you should select no more than two or three. Target the ones with the people that can be the most helpful to you. When you join, your strategy should be to look at the various committees of the organization. Volunteer for the committee that engages in the activities that are most important to the organization, such as governmental affairs or fundraising. Then get fully involved in your chosen responsibilities.

You will find that the members of the key committees are usually key players in the business community as well. By joining the committee, you create an opportunity to interact with them in a completely voluntary and non-threatening way. You give them a chance to see what you can really do, outside the work environment. And you contribute to the committee as a peer, not as an employee or subordinate.

Remember, in any committee 20% of the people do 80% of the work. In any association, fully 80% of the members never volunteer for anything. All they do is attend the meetings and then go home. But this is not for you. You are determined to make your mark and you do this by jumping wholeheartedly into voluntary activities that move the association ahead. And the key people will be watching and evaluating you. The more favorable attention you attract, the more people will be willing to help you when you need them.

Networking fulfills one of your deepest subconscious needs — getting to know people and being known by them. It fulfills your need for social interaction and for the establishing of friendly relationships. It broadens your perspective and opens doors of opportunities for you. It increases the number of people who know and respect you. It makes you feel more in control of your career. And it can be one of the most exciting and fulfilling experiences of your life.

Brian Tracy, author of No Excuses!: The Power of Self-Discipline, was born in eastern Canada in 1944 and grew up in California. After dropping out of high school, he traveled and worked his way around the world, eventually visiting eighty countries on six continents. His extensive personal studies in business, sales, management, marketing, and economics enabled him to become the head of a $265 million company before he turned his attention to consulting, training, and personal development. He is now the president of three companies with operations worldwide. He is married, has four children, and lives in San Diego, California.

For more information, please visit www.briantracy.com and follow the author on Facebook and Twitter.

Why Positive Thinking is Bad for You

A Be My Guest Author — Sat, 29 May 2010 12:00:18 +0000

This Be My Guest Author Article is by Srikumar Rao, Author of Happiness at Work: Be Resilient, Motivated, and Successful — No Matter What

Positive thinking is so firmly enshrined in our culture that knocking it is a little like attacking motherhood or apple pie. Many persons swear by positive thinking and quite a few have been helped by it. Nevertheless, it is not a very effective tool and can be downright harmful in some cases. There are much better ways to get the benefits that positive thinking allegedly provides.

Perhaps the statement that best exemplifies positive thinking is “When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.” It seems so self-evident that this is a good thing that we never question the wisdom of the adage. But it does not take a whole lot of digging to unearth the flaws in this reasoning.

First, did fate really hand you a lemon or was this merely your initial, unthinking response? Second, is a lemon really a bad thing, something that you would rather not have, but now that you do have it you will somehow salvage something by making lemonade? Finally, it is quite stressful to be handed a lemon until such time as you figure out how to make lemonade. Do you really have to go through this phase?

No matter what happens to us in life we tend to think of it as “good” or “bad”. And most of us tend to use the “bad” label three to ten times as often as the “good” label. And when we say something is bad, the odds grow overwhelming that we will experience it as such. And that is when we need positive thinking. We have been given something bad, a real lemon, and we better scramble and make some lemonade out of it and salvage something out of this “bad” situation.

How tiring and tiresome!

Now think back on your own life. Can you recall instances of something that you initially thought was a bad thing that turned out to be not so bad after all or perhaps even a spectacularly good thing? Like the time you just missed a train and had to wait a whole hour for the next one and it was horrible except that your neighbor also missed it so you talked for the first time and a beautiful friendship developed. You will find many instances in your life, some of them very significant such as the job you desperately wanted but didn’t get only to find that a much better one came by and you would not have been able to accept it if not for the earlier rejection.

Now let’s propose something radical and revolutionary. Let’s propose that, no matter what happens to you, you do not stick a bad thing label on it. No matter what. You are fired from your job, your mortgage lender sends you a foreclosure notice . . . your spouse files for divorce . . . or whatever. This seems so far-fetched as to be laughable. Of course these are horrible tragedies and terrible things to happen. Or are they? Is it possible, just possible, that you have been conditioned to think of these happenings as unspeakable tragedies and hence experience them as such?

Viktor Frankl in his book Man’s Search for Meaning narrates the tale of the beautiful girl of privilege who was grateful to be in a concentration camp because she was able to connect with a spiritual side of her that she never knew existed. Observations like this led Frankl into his life’s work of determining why, when faced with extreme adversity, some persons positively flourish while others disintegrate.

Many who rise so triumphantly never label what they go through as bad and lament over it. They simply take it as a given as if they were a civil engineer surveying the landscape through which a road is to be built. In this view, a swamp is not a bad thing. It is merely something that has to be addressed in the construction plan.

And if you never label something as bad, then you don’t need positive thinking and all of the stress associated with getting something bad and experiencing it as such till you figure out how to make lemonade out of it simply goes away.

That is the huge pebble in the positive thinking shoe. “This is bad. Really bad. It’s a lemon. But somehow I will make some lemonade out of it and then perhaps it won’t be so bad.” First you think its bad and then you think you will somehow make it less bad and there is a strong undercurrent that you are playing games and kidding yourself. Some people succeed. Many don’t. And those who don’t are devastated that the model they were trying so hard to build caved in on them. That’s why positive thinking can sometimes be harmful.

Can you actually go through life without labeling what happens to you as good or bad? Sure you can. You have to train yourself to do this. You have been conditioned to think of things as bad or good. You can de-condition yourself. It is neither easy nor fast but it is possible.

Lets say you break your leg. There is stuff you have to do like go to an orthopedist and get it set and go to therapy when the cast comes off. But all the rest of the stuff you pick up “Why did this have to happen to me? Bad things always come my way. I am in such pain. Who will hold the world up now that I am disabled?” is simply baggage. You don’t have to pick up this load and the only reason you do is because you were never told that you didn’t have to.

I am telling you now. Don’t pick up that useless burden. Don’t label what happens to you as bad. Then you won’t need positive thinking and much of the stress in your life will simply disappear. Poof! Just like that.

Srikumar S. Rao is the author of Happiness at Work: Be Resilient, Motivated, and Successful — No Matter What (Published by McGraw-Hill). He conceived “Creativity and Personal Mastery,” the pioneering course that was among the most popular and highest rated at many of the world’s top business schools. It remains the only such course to have its own alumni association. His work has been covered by major media including the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, the Financial Times, TIME, Fortune, BusinessWeek, the London Times, the Guardian and the Daily Telegraph. CNN, PBS, Voice of America, and dozens of radio and TV stations have interviewed him.

Please visit www.srikumarsrao.com for more information. You can also follow him on Twitter @srikumarsrao or join the happiness community on Facebook: Facebook | Srikumar Rao.

Four Tips to Start Saving More Money Now

A Be My Guest Author — Tue, 25 May 2010 16:59:16 +0000

This Be My Guest Author Article is by Pamela Yellen, Author of Bank on Yourself: The Life-Changing Secret to Protecting Your Financial Future.

Building your savings — not an easy task in the best of times — has become even more of a challenge. While women typically earn less than men in most occupations, the good news is that women’s jobs have mainly held up during the recession. Women have a 20% lower unemployment rate than men, according to a just-released report from the U.S. Department of Labor.

And there’s the fact that women live longer and rely on Social Security more than men do, and the already-troubled trust fund will pay out more than it receives this year.

So how do you build a bigger nest egg when times are tough? Following these four tips will help you take back control of your finances and “bank on yourself.”

Be forewarned, however: this isn’t the same old advice you’ve heard many times before. If the conventional ways of saving and investing were really working, wouldn’t we already have financial security, in good times and bad?

Saving Tip #1: Know the Difference between “Saving” and “Investing”

Wall Street and the financial planning industry have led us to believe that “saving” and “investing” are the same thing. However, they are not. The money you have in savings is money you don’t want (or can’t afford) to lose. Money you invest is subject to loss.

Most people today “invest to save,” and as a result, have no idea what their nest egg will be worth when they plan to tap into it.

This is not a financial “plan,” which the Merriam Webster dictionary defines as “a means of accomplishing something.” It’s gambling. And it has led to a nation of Americans wondering if they’ll ever be able to retire, and what they’ll have to give up in order to do that.

The typical equity mutual fund investor has actually been losing one percent per year for the past 20 years, after adjusting for inflation, according to the research firm, DALBAR.

Don’t put money you can’t afford to lose into stocks, real estate or other traditional investments. Before investing, ask yourself if your money didn’t grow for 20 or more years, or even went backwards, could you live with that?

Saving Tip #2: You Don’t have to Pay Down Debt before Increasing Your Savings

Often people think they must pay down their credit card balances and other debt, before they can increase the amount they save. But that’s not necessarily true.

Case in point: A woman in her fifties who was paying $600 to $800 a month more than the minimum payment due on her credit cards. She discovered that by cutting back to the minimum payment and putting the difference into a guaranteed savings vehicle, she could have a nest egg worth around $50,000 more when she retires at sixty-five. I call this the “better than debt-free” way of managing your money.

Saving Tip #3: Look Beyond the Traditional Saving and Investing Methods

Consider proven and time-tested ways to grow a substantial nest egg — without the risk or volatility of stocks, mutual funds, real estate, and other investments.

For example, there is an asset class that has increased in value during every stock market decline and every period of economic boom and bust for more than a century.

That asset is dividend-paying whole life insurance.

A dividend-paying whole life policy grows by a guaranteed and pre-set amount every year. In addition, the growth is exponential, meaning it gets better (more efficient) every single year you have the policy, simply because you stick with it.

This gives you some protection against inflation and provides peak growth at the time you need it most (retirement). And no luck, skill, or guesswork is required to make that happen.

Furthermore, there are options that can be added to the policy which turbo-charge the growth of your equity (“cash value”) in the policy. When your policy is structured properly, you can use it as a powerful financial management tool from day one.

Once credited to your policy, both your guaranteed annual increase, plus any dividends you may receive, are locked in. They don’t vanish due to a market correction.

These policies also give you peace of mind for retirement planning, because you’ll know the minimum guaranteed income you could take in retirement, and for how long you could take it.

Saving Tip #4: Saving Doesn’t Have to Mean Sacrificing

When you save up money in the kind of specially designed dividend-paying whole life policy I just described, you can borrow your equity in the policy and use it to make needed major purchases, and your policy could continue to grow as though you never touched a dime of it! (Not all companies offer this feature or type of policy.)

One couple profiled in my book hadn’t taken a vacation since their honeymoon eight years earlier. They couldn’t justify taking a vacation because they “felt those funds should be saved.” And they hated the idea of putting it on a credit card and then having to pay all that interest.

Instead, they borrowed the money from their policy for a one-week vacation at a resort on the Mexican Riviera. They set up a schedule to pay back the loan to their policy over one year, and were thrilled, because “now we’ll be able to take a nice vacation every year from now on with those same dollars. The key words are no guilt, because this is a responsible way to do good things for yourself that you wouldn’t normally do.”

There are many myths and misinformation about this powerful financial tool, and no shortage of experts who will tell you to avoid whole life insurance.

That’s why I created the $100,000 Challenge. It lets you test your knowledge of the facts about dividend-paying whole life. And a $100,000 cash reward awaits the first person who has a different product or strategy that can match or beat a properly structured dividend-paying whole life policy.

© 2010 Pamela Yellen, author of Bank on Yourself: The Life-Changing Secret to Protecting Your Financial Future

Financial security expert, Pamela Yellen, is author of the best-selling book, Bank On Yourself: The Life-Changing Secret to Growing and Protecting Your Financial Future.

For more information, visit: www.BankOnYourself.com and to take the $100,000 Challenge, visit: www.BankOnYourself.com/challenge .

The Real Stepmothers

A Be My Guest Author — Mon, 24 May 2010 12:03:39 +0000

This Be My Guest Author Article is by Rachelle Katz, Ed.D., LMFT, Author of The Happy Stepmother: Stay Sane, Empower Yourself and Thrive in Your New Family

We’ve all heard the stereotypes: the wicked stepmother, the home wrecker, the stepmother who doesn’t care about bonding with her stepchildren. It turns out that this could not be farther from the truth. As a psychotherapist and stepmother, I know from both personal and professional experience just how difficult stepmotherhood can be. I counsel stepmothers individually, lead monthly support groups for stepmothers and facilitate an online stepmother support group. Without exception, instead of being uncaring and indifferent, all of the stepmothers I’ve worked with have been highly accomplished, lovely, intelligent, and attractive women who embraced the role of stepmother with enthusiasm when they got married. They all had the best intentions to bond with their stepchildren, and to create a loving new family. These stepmothers held onto the hope that the family would “blend” over time and applied the same can-do attitude they took to their jobs and other personal pursuits to their new role. They followed the belief that their behaviors make a difference in the life they lead; if they work hard, they will succeed, perhaps not immediately, but over time.

Their hard work, however, did not yield the desired result. Among a host of problems, some of them failed to bond with their stepchildren, while others could not hold a civil conversation with their husbands about their stepchildren without it deteriorating into a fight. After years of feeling in control of their lives, they now felt an absence of control. And when they expressed their needs and opinions to their husbands and other stepfamily members, many didn’t feel they received the recognition and support they truly needed. Over time, the stress and frustration became too much, and they grew depressed, anxious, and exhausted.

The good news is that there is hope: it is possible to be a happy stepmother. First, stepmothers need to understand that their struggle is not their fault — they have done nothing wrong. Their failures are not a result of any mistakes they have made but are related to the many challenges inherent in the role of stepmother. Part of the process of feeling better is learning the reality about stepfamilies and the variety of challenges that stepfamilies face. For instance, only 20% of stepchildren feel close to their stepmothers. That means 80% of stepmothers struggle to bond with their stepchildren — a staggering majority! Understanding this reality helps stepmothers realize that their problems are common to many other stepmothers. This information is a huge relief for them and helps them to reframe their struggles more objectively, enabling them to let go of feelings of blame and guilt.

Second, stepmothers need to figure out what they can control, what they can’t, and to take actions in the areas where they do have some control. This idea is very similar to the Serenity Prayer used in 10 steps programs. Recognizing what they can control helps restore their mind-set that their behaviors make a difference in their lives. For instance, stepmothers may not be able to control the visitation schedule, but they can control their responsibilities — what they choose to take on and choose for their husband, the biological parent, to handle — when the stepchildren are over. When stepmothers start doing things that they enjoy — make a conscious choice to see friends, take classes or play a sport — they start to feel better. One positive action can make a huge difference in restoring the belief that actions, in fact, do impact one’s overall happiness. The key to happiness is to remember we can keep growing and taking responsible for our own behavior. This reminder really helps stepmothers.

I also encourage stepmothers to reach out to other stepmothers for support and encouragement. According to positive psychology, the single greatest predictor of success during a challenging time isn’t intelligence or past experience but social support. Getting stepmothers to recognize that they are not alone in their struggles is very comforting, and moreover provides them with a tremendous network of wise and experienced women who understand exactly what they are going through. Through social support, stepmothers provide each other with invaluable sympathy, recognition, advice and encouragement.

There may not be anything we can do about the prevailing stereotypes, but there is help available to empower real stepmothers, facing very real problems.

Rachelle Katz, Ed.D, LMFT, writes from a place of both personal experience — she’s been a stepmother for nineteen years — and professional expertise. A psychotherapist with twenty-five years of experience in private practice, since 2004 she has empowered thousands of women through her Web site, www.stepsforstepmothers.com.

You’ll Never Be the Same Again

A Be My Guest Author — Sun, 23 May 2010 12:02:10 +0000

This Be My Guest Author Article is by Jen Klein, Author of SheKnows.com Presents — The Mommy Files: Secrets Every New Mom Should Know (that no one else will tell you!)

Being pregnant is hard work for a body and a mind. Physically and emotionally, you are growing and changing.

Emotionally you are growing into a mom, preparing yourself as best you can to take on the almost overwhelming responsibility of raising a child. But that work is mostly internal and rather invisible. The physical growing, however, is a touch more obvious.

The pregnant body is a wonder. It’s too simple to say it’s “expanding” — because it’s so much more than that! It’s an increase in fluids even while internal organs are getting pushed aside and getting less space. It’s a changing center of gravity and changes in hair and skin and vision. It’s a tell-tale shape and a sometimes a tell-tale walk. It’s heartburn and new and different aches and pains. It’s a nearly complete change in your physical appearance.

No matter how excited you are to be pregnant, that hard work your body and mind is doing can feel tiring. Many a mom has, amid the joy and anticipation, declared, “I can’t wait to get my body back!” And once the baby has been born, you may think, “At last,” and think you can begin to get back to your old self immediately.

Hold on just a moment there. What does that really mean, getting one’s body “back?” And can you really start right away?

Your body has just done an amazing thing: it has grown a small human. That is no small thing! Literally! And, as if you haven’t done enough in that remarkable process, media and sometimes well-meaning friends and family send us mixed messages about what we should look like immediately post-birth. Nothing like a celebrity claiming to have gained a mere 7 pounds during pregnancy or another claiming to lose 60 pounds in a few short weeks after pregnancy to set up some unrealistic expectations about the post-birth body. Add in some airbrushed photos on magazine covers and you may want to return to the maternity clothes and pickles and ice cream.

First of all, every body is different. Pregnant or not, we all have different body types and a different genetic legacy and respond differently to food intake and to exercise. As we age, motherhood or not, our bodies change with the advancing years. Even if you never have children, your body at 40 will never be the same as your body was at 20. Until we can truly turn back time, there is no getting one’s body “back” for anyone!

Immediately after birth, your body (and mind!) needs time to recover from the work of growing that baby human — and the physical insult of delivering it. Whether you gave birth vaginally or by Cesarean section, your body needs some time to recover from this rather traumatic experience; give it that time. There likely will be no intense exercise in your immediate future. You need to respect what you body has just been through and give it some simple healing time before you try to change it all over again.

After a few weeks, after you have prioritized your time getting to know your new little one, and after your body has had some time for initial healing and shrinking, you can talk to your medical care provider about whether it’s okay to try to start doing something about feeling like yourself again — but not your “old” self, your “new” self. Your medical care provider can give guidance appropriate for you on whether and when it’s okay to make changes to your diet and activity level to support a new kind of body acceptance.

No matter when you start a process to tone up the stretched abdominals or strengthen the glutes that are a bit fleshier than you might prefer, chances are you’ll never be exactly what you were before, physically speaking. How can you be? Your whole identify has changed, and why wouldn’t that include your body, too? Could you ever, really, be the same as you were before? Would you want to be?

You may eventually weigh what you did before and the tape measure may display the same numbers, but you are not the same. Your lower belly likely will still be a little soft no matter how many sit ups you do, your hips may fit differently into those favorite jeans, and your breasts may be fleshier than before (or even smaller). But you’re a mom now, and that’s no small thing. Your strength and beauty is more than physical — and it’s reflected right back at you when you look in your child’s eyes.

Becoming a mom is a tremendous physical and emotional process. The physical manifestation of that is in a changed body — hopefully a body for which you have a newfound respect and understanding. You’ll never be the same again — and that’s a good thing!

Jen Klein is a mother of two boys and a girl, the youngest of whom just started kindergarten. After earning a thoroughly useful degree in art history and studio art, she writes technical documentation. But in her primary job as mom, she’s dealt with nearly every parenting scenario imaginable, and appreciated every slobbery toddler kiss along the way. Klein has been a contributor to SheKnows.com for the past two years and writes a weekly parenting column called “Monday Mom Challenge” in addition to regular articles. She lives near Boston, MA.

For more information, please visit www.SheKnows.com.