It’s not you. It’s me.

Nov 24, 2008 by David Bowman

The classic break-up line is “It’s not you. It’s me.” How many hearts have been broken over these words?

Once you get past the ungrammatical use of “me,” you can translate this statement to mean, “It’s I who has the problem because I need someone who is not you.” Many heart-breakers believe that by pretending to accept the blame for a relationship disaster, they can soften the emotional blow to the other person. While we’re not going to discuss the merits of that belief, we will point out that this focus on one’s self would be a good attitude for writers.

The problem:

One of my pet peeves as an editor is the use of the phrase “She was always there for you.” “Really?” I ask. “And when, exactly, was this person, whom I have never met, there for me?”

The problem is that many writers refer to “you” when attempting to make a general statement about a situation, action, or characteristic–whether or not the “you” refers directly to the reader.

Samples of this bad writing:

1. You could always tell when the boss was coming down the hallway. [Even if I wasn't there?]
2. It was the kind of weather that makes you feel happy. [What if I don't like sunshine?]
3. Clear directions are important when you are training someone. [I'm a trainer?]

Why this is bad writing:

This is bad writing for three reasons.

1. The most obvious reason is that the term “you” may not refer to the reader, so the statement may be incorrect.
2. The use of “you” is vague; it does not clearly indicate to whom the statement does apply.
3. Using “you” draws a reader’s attention away from the content and causes him to think about himself. This is especially problematic in narrative text, such as novels and short stories.

Fixing this problem:

The steps for fixing this problem are simple, but implementing them can be challenging at times.

1. Decide for whom the statement is true.
2. Revise the sentence to use the result of #1 as the subject.

When we apply these two steps to the poor examples above, we get these sample revisions.

1. I could always tell when the boss was coming down the hallway.
2. It was the kind of weather that makes me feel happy.
3. Trainers need to provide clear directions.

In my experience as an editor, when a writer uses “you” to describe a general situation, he typically means “me.” When I come across “you,” I first ask whether the writer is referring to himself. If he is, then the revision is pretty simple. I replace the “you” with “I” or “me.” However, if the writer is referring to a general situation and not just himself, then the revision may take a bit more creativity.

The first two revisions change the sentences to refer to the writer, so they were easy. I swapped “you” for “I.” The third revision was a bit more tricky. I had to figure out whom the sentence is about, and I decided that the sentence is about people who provide training, i.e., trainers. This decision gave me the subject of the sentence, and the rest of the revision followed.

You may have noticed that the third revision changes the focus from “clear directions” to “trainers.” I could have written “Clear directions are important during training,” or “Clear directions are important when a trainer is training someone.” However, these seem a bit weak to me because the action being described is training. Clear directions don’t provide training; trainers provide training, so I used “Trainers” as the subject.

When using “you” is not a problem:

“You” might be the right word to use if you are instructing the reader, making a sales pitch, or trying to elicit a reader’s reaction or action. “You” should be reserved for those cases in which you are actually writing to or about your reader (such as in this sentence). Other than these cases, writers should avoid using “you.” [Not "You should avoid using 'you' " because this might not apply to you.]

Basically, if you use “you” in your writing, just make sure the sentence applies to the reader. Otherwise, tell yourself, “It’s not about you. It’s about me.”

David Bowman is the Owner and Chief Editor of Precise Edit, a comprehensive editing, proofreading, and document analysis service for authors, students, and businesses. Precise Edit also offers a variety of other services, such as translation, transcription, and website development.