The Cuckleburr Times » Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

How do you Define Success?

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 06:29:54 +0000

Take a moment to go inside and see how you define success. Is your success defined by:

How much money you have?
Having a big house and an expensive car?
How expensive your clothes are?
Traveling first class on airlines?
How attractive you are?
How attractive your partner is?
How famous you are?
Winning or being the best at something?
How many beautiful people want to have sex with you?
How many friends you have?
How much attention and approval you get?

Unfortunately, the media often supports defining success in many of the above ways.

But are you successful just because you have a lot of money, even if you had to use others to get it? What if you made millions and others suffered as a result of your choices? What if you live in a big house and drive an expensive car but find it difficult to be loving to your partner or your children – or to yourself?

What if you defined success by how much to you contribute to another or to society? What if you define success by how kind you are to yourself and to others and by what you contribute to the world? What if success is not defined by how many widgets you sell, but by how many people you help and how joyful you are?

There are many people who find it easy to make money, or achieve fame but find it very difficult to be kind to themselves and to the people closest to them. There are many people who are outwardly successful yet act out in ways that are harmful to themselves and others. Bill Clinton, Tiger Woods, and OJ Simpson come to mind of people who achieved everything but never defined success and inner worth by being loving to themselves and to their families. Instead they defined success by getting sex or by whom they possessed.

What if these people had defined their success and their sense of worth by how well they took loving care of themselves, how kind they were to their families, and how much they contributed to society? Would they have chosen to harm themselves and others to fill their emptiness and avoid the pain that they were causing by their own self-abandonment?

Another example is Michael Jackson, who was incredibly unkind to himself, constantly distorting himself rather than learning to be kind and accepting toward himself. If he had learned to fully embrace his true Self and to define his worth and success by his ability to love rather than by his looks or approval, he might be alive today.

The movie industry is riddled with stars who have everything – money, fame, looks, admiration – and who struggle with various addictions, such as alcohol, drugs, food, and sex. We see various stars on TV, constantly losing and gaining weight, or going in and out of rehab. Why are they so unhappy and empty that they keep turning to addictions?

Obviously, everything they have externally does nothing to fill the void INTERNALLY. External success actually does nothing to fill the inner emptiness that leads to substance abuse, sexual addiction, and other forms of addiction, as well as to anger, blame and rage. External success is great for financial security and freedom to do whatever you want, but being a truly joyful person demands a different definition of success.

What if love, kindness, generosity, caring, compassion, empathy, and understanding toward ourselves and others, and helpful contributions to society were lauded as the hallmarks of success? What if our newspapers and news channels devoted their stories to people who had learned how to truly love themselves enough to be able to extend their love out to others and contribute to the good of the planet? What if supporting our own highest good and the highest good of all was valued more than money? What if kindness – to yourself and with others – was your guiding light?

The chances are that you would know, deep within your soul, that you are a huge success – that you are doing what you came to this planet to do!

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process. Are you are ready to heal your pain and discover your joy? Learn Inner Bonding now! Click here for a FREE Inner Bonding Course: http://www.innerbonding.com/welcome, and visit our website at http://www.innerbonding.com for more articles and help. Phone Sessions Available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

Women Who Wish Their Spouses Would Die

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. — Sun, 13 Jun 2010 04:00:17 +0000

“I feel awful saying this,” Mary told me during one of our phone counseling sessions, “but I often wish my husband would die. I feel like a terrible person saying this, but I think about it a lot.”

“I hear this fairly often,” I responded. “You are thinking this, not because you are a terrible person, but because you feel trapped and you don’t know how to get out of the trap.”

“But my husband is a really nice person and he loves me. Yet all I want to do is get away.”

Mary consulted with me because she was deeply depressed. Through our work together, it became apparent that Mary had completely lost herself in her marriage. While her husband was a “nice” person, he was also a very needy person who took no responsibility for his own feelings and needs. Mary felt constantly pulled on to fill him up and make him feel okay about himself. She was exhausted and drained.

Angie, another one of my clients, also fantasized about her husband dying. Angie’s husband was not nice like Mary’s husband. Instead he was an angry, blaming man who often attacked Angie for not doing what he wanted her to do. Angie was emotionally battered and bruised from the constant verbal abuse, and not only fantasized about her husband dying, but often had suicidal thoughts.

Why didn’t these women leave rather than wish their husbands would die or think about killing themselves?

Sometimes women don’t leave because of money, and sometimes because of children, but this was not the case with either of Mary or Angie. Mary and Angie wouldn’t leave because they felt completely responsible for their husband’s feelings. They knew that even if they left, they would still feel responsible. In their minds the only way out for them was for them to kill themselves or for their husbands to die.

Fortunately, there is another way out of feeling so trapped. The way out is to let go of responsibility for others’ feelings and start to take responsibility for their own feelings. However, for many people, this is a huge challenge.

Both Mary and Angie had been deeply programmed as children to be caretakers. Their sense of worth was completely tied into being “selfless”, which they equated with being loving. In their minds, taking care of themselves instead of caretaking others was selfish – and therefore wrong. The thought of taking care of themselves rather than caretaking their husbands left them feeling unbearably guilty. This is what was causing them to feel so trapped.

Through their Inner Bonding work with me, Mary and Angie discovered that caretaking is a form of control – that rather than loving their husbands, they were giving themselves up to get approval or avoid disapproval. They were shocked to realize that they, like their husbands, were also making their husbands responsible for their feelings.

Through practice, they gradually learned to take responsibility for their own feelings and let go of responsibility for their husband’s feelings. They learned to take time for themselves, speak up for themselves, and trust their own feelings. In the course of learning to love themselves, they found that they could express love to their husbands without taking responsibility for their husband’s feelings. The more they let go of responsibility for their husband’s feelings, the freer they felt to love themselves and love their husbands.

Without their wives constantly taking responsibility for them, both their husbands gradually learned to take more responsibility for themselves.

Both Mary and Angie are still married to their same husbands and they no longer feel trapped, drained, or depressed – and they no longer want their husbands to die!.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process. Are you are ready to heal your pain and discover your joy? Learn Inner Bonding now! Click here for a FREE Inner Bonding Course: http://www.innerbonding.com/welcome, and visit our website at http://www.innerbonding.com for more articles and help. Phone Sessions Available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

Hurt Feelings vs. Hurt Heart

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 19:22:28 +0000

Clifford, 42, married with children, told me during a phone session that he was tired of not feeling happy and joyous.

“As a small child, I remember being so happy and excited about life. But my parents didn’t receive me at all. They were indifferent to my creativity and excitement.”

“Clifford, how did you feel when they didn’t receive you?”

“Shattered.”

Yes, shattered. And the shattered feeling was too big for a sensitive little boy, so Clifford learned to put a lid on his joy to protect himself from feeling shattered.

He also learned to protect himself by taking his parents’ indifference personally, deciding that he wasn’t good enough or important enough to be received.

Hurt Feelings

Clifford learned to take his parents’ rejection personally as a way to feel in control of their unloving behavior: “It’s my fault,” he told himself as a small child, “that they are not loving me, so if I can just figure out the right way to be, I can get love and avoid pain.” When he took his parents’ behavior personally, his feelings got hurt. He learned to prefer getting his feelings hurt rather than experience feeling shattered.

If you look inside, you may discover that underneath hurt feelings is a deeper hurt – the kind of hurt that feels shattering.

When you are in your wounded ego self, it is easy to have your feelings hurt from telling yourself that you are wrong or bad or that it is your fault that you are being treated unlovingly. You feel hurt feelings whenever you take another’s unloving behavior personally.

We all had to create our wounded selves to survive childhood, because the shattered feeling of a hurt heart was way too big for our little bodies to handle. We might have died or gone crazy if we had not been able to create our ego wounded selves.

Hurt Heart

Now, as adults, we all need to revisit the heart hurt that we have been protecting against all these years. Heart hurt is the authentic core feeling that is under our hurt feelings.

Heart hurt = loneliness, heartache, heartbreak, sorrow, sadness, and grief in response to the loss of loved ones, to others’ unloving behavior toward us and others, to helplessness over others’ unloving behavior toward us and others, and to our own unloving behavior toward ourselves and others.

These are the feelings that were too hard to feel as a small child. These are the feelings we now need to feel and show up for as a kind and compassionate loving Adult. These are the feelings that all addictive and controlling behavior cover up.

The moment we try to cover these feelings, we are in our wounded self. When we decide to feel our authentic feelings, we open to our core self with deep kindness and compassion for our hurt heart.

The Power and Freedom of Living Our Truth

As long as you do not have the courage to feel the heart hurt, you will continue to give yourself up, get angry, blaming and defensive, and turn to substances and activities to avoid your authentic feelings.

Yet when you finally decide to be with your truth and feel the heart hurt of others’ unloving behavior, and of your own unloving behavior toward yourself and others, you are well on the journey toward personal power and emotional freedom.

Heart hurt HURTS – a lot. Which is why we avoid it. But when we learn to connect with our spiritual Guidance and embrace it with love, kindness, and compassion, we can learn to manage it. When we do, we move beyond fear and dependency and into our power and freedom.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process. Are you are ready to heal your pain and discover your joy? Learn Inner Bonding now! Click here for a FREE Inner Bonding Course: http://www.innerbonding.com/welcome, and visit our website at http://www.innerbonding.com for more articles and help. Phone Sessions Available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

Healing Social Phobia

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. — Thu, 04 Feb 2010 01:09:20 +0000

What is Social Phobia?

Social phobia – or social anxiety – is the fear of interacting with others in various situations: groups, work, school, parties, on the telephone, in a market or store, and so on. People with social phobia experience extreme anxiety or panic when they know that they have to talk or interact with others. They often find themselves isolating rather than risk the rejection or ridicule that they fear.

People with social phobia may be saying things to themselves such as:

What if I make a fool of myself?
What if I can’t think of anything to say?
What if I say something stupid?
What if people think I’m weird?
What if no one wants to talk with me?
What if everyone can see how nervous I am?
What if I blush?

Social phobia comes from an extreme fear of being judged and rejected by others. The fear may turn to panic when in the presence of an authority figure.

What Causes Social Phobia?

Imagine that you have a small child whom you are taking to a birthday party of peers. Imagine that you tell the child before the party, “You must make sure that you do everything right so that the people at the party like you, because if they don’t like you, then you are unlovable and worthless.” Do you think this would cause the child to be very anxious?

You would probably never say this to an actual child, yet this is what you are saying to yourself – to the child within you, which is your feeling self. You are telling yourself that your worth is determined by others liking you or rejecting you: if they like you, you are okay, and if they don’t, you are worthless.

This is self-abandonment, and is the root cause of social phobia.

Self-Abandonment

You are abandoning yourself when you refuse to define your own worth and lovability and instead make others responsible for your sense of worth. You are abandoning yourself when you refuse to take responsibility for your own feelings and instead make others responsible for your feelings of anxiety or safety. Once you make others responsible – especially authority figures whose acceptance you desperately want – there is no way you will not be anxious when with them.

Once you hand away to others the responsibility for making you feel okay, then you have to try to control how they feel about you by doing everything “right.” Trying to control how others feel about you always causes anxiety. Your anxiety is letting you know that you have abandoned yourself and that you are trying to do something you cannot do – which is to control whether or not others accept you or reject you.

When you are not giving to yourself the acceptance, approval, and attention you need to feel lovable and worthy, then you will invariably try to get approval, acceptance and attention from others, which creates much anxiety.

Healing Social Phobia

Healing social phobia is about learning to love yourself – to accept and value yourself and to take responsibility for your own feelings. People who love themselves go into social situations to share their caring with others. When you feel good about yourself, you want to offer your smile, your interest, your attention, and your caring to others. You are far more concerned with what you want go GIVE to others than with what you want to GET or what you want to AVOID.

If you want to heal your social phobia, then you need to do the Inner Bonding work necessary to stop judging yourself and start loving yourself.

A Different Kind of New Year’s Resolution

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. — Thu, 14 Jan 2010 20:27:19 +0000

There are two kinds of New Year’s Resolutions:

1. What you are going to do to accomplish your goals

2. Who you want to be

Many New Year’s Resolutions are of the first kind:

I’m going to lose 25 pounds this year
I’m going to exercise every day
I’m going to learn self-discipline
I’m going to double my income
I’m going to learn to fly
I’m going to take piano lessons

And so on….

I’m not at all diminishing these kinds of resolutions. It is often very helpful to set these kinds of goals for ourselves.

But perhaps this year, you can add another kind of New Year’s Resolution – the who-you-want-to-be kind.

Who You Want To Be Resolutions

What if your primary resolutions had to do with your thoughts and actions toward yourself and others? What if these resolutions centered around being loving rather than achieving something? What might these resolutions be?

I’m going to become aware of my judgments toward myself and others and how I feel inside when I’m judgmental.
When I’m angry, I’m going to go off by myself and take care of my own feelings rather than dump my anger on others.
I’m going to stop taking others’ behavior personally and instead embrace the loneliness and heartache I feel when others are uncaring.
I’m going to remember to be grateful for every small blessing rather than complain about what I don’t have.
I will make being loving more important than avoiding the pain of rejection.
I will attend to the painful life feelings of loneliness, heartache, heartbreak, grief, sorrow, and helplessness over others with deep compassion for my self rather than turning to addictions to numb them.
I will keep my heart open to learning about what is loving to me and to others rather than close my heart to protect against the pain of life.
I will be warm, kind and respectful toward everyone I meet, even if I don’t personally connect with them.
I will take loving care of my body, the house of my soul.
I will allow my higher self to guide me in what is in my highest good and the highest good of others, rather than allow my ego wounded self to be in charge of my thoughts and actions.
I will take the time to be with those I love and express my love for them.
I will remember to stay connected with my inner guidance, my feelings, so that I can take full responsibility for them.
I will choose to love, even when I am afraid. I make love more important than control, than being right, than winning.
I will attend to what brings my joy.
I will be true to myself, neither giving myself up to others, nor expecting others to give themselves up to me.
I will support my own highest good and the highest good of others, never deliberately acting in ways that harm me or harm others.
I will be honest and trustworthy with myself and others, never compromising my integrity as a soul.
I will constantly keep in mind what I want to contribute to others rather than what I want to get from others.

I’m sure you can think of many more who-you-want-to-be resolutions. Why not take some time right now to write them out?

Imagine the world we would have if each of us made loving ourselves and others our highest priority – higher than fame, higher than fortune, higher than being the best, higher than winning or being right, higher than avoiding the painful feelings of life. Imagine the world we would have if we learned to love as God loves, to be the unconditional love that is God.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process. Are you are ready to heal your pain and discover your joy? Learn Inner Bonding now! Click here for a FREE Inner Bonding Course: http://www.innerbonding.com/welcome, and visit our website at http://www.innerbonding.com for more articles and help. Phone Sessions Available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

The Silent Treatment

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. — Sun, 20 Dec 2009 23:20:38 +0000

Research indicates that children would rather be yelled at than ignored.

When prisoners are being punished, they are put in isolation, because being isolated is one of the harshest punishments there is – other than physical abuse.

The silent treatment is a form of punishment, a way to attempt to control children and partners into doing what you want them to do. It is a withdrawal of approval, and can cause much fear in people who are vulnerable to this.

You are giving people the silent treatment when you shut down to them, closing your heart and refusing to interact with them or acknowledge their presence. You act as if they are invisible, not responding to them at all or giving them a very minimal and withheld response. Your hope in treating them this way is that they will get the message that they have displeased you. They have done something wrong in your eyes and deserve to be punished, deserve to have your “love” taken away.

Of course, what you are taking away is not love at all, since love is unconditional. What you are taking away is your approval, and for children and approval-dependent adults, it is a powerful form of control.

The Consequences

While it may seem to you to work for the moment, there are huge negative consequences following the silent treatment. Children feel unloved and unlovable, developing deep beliefs about their inadequacy. While they may comply to avoid your withdrawal of approval, inwardly they are likely to feel lonely and heartbroken – feelings that they can’t handle – so they become angry and resistant to manage the feelings. Their anger and resistance may show up in others areas that cause problems for them and for you.

While your partner may scurry around to try to please you and get you to reconnect with him or her, the fact that you have so deeply disconnected creates feelings of heartache in your partner that may eventually lead to the end of the relationship. What seems to work for the moment may lead to exactly what you don’t want in the long run.

When Your Partner is Punishing you With the Silent Treatment

What goes on inside you when your partner shuts down to you?

Do you tell yourself you must have done something wrong?
Do you feel a sense of loneliness and heartache that feels unbearable?
Do you feel alone and abandoned inside?
Do you feel anxious and scared?

If you feel any of these, it is really because you are abandoning yourself and making your partner responsible for you. It is you doing this that is allowing the silent treatment to work to control you.

If you were taking loving care of yourself and taking 100% responsibility for your own feelings, here is what would be going on inside:

You would be telling yourself: “My partner is choosing to punish me rather than take responsibility for his or her feelings. Whatever I may or may not have done that he or she doesn’t like, I am not responsible for how he or she is dealing with it, and I have no control over him or her.

You would be bringing love inside, letting yourself know that you are a good person and deserving of love.

You would get out of range of your partner’s energy – taking a walk, reading a book, calling a friend, or doing something else to make yourself happy.

You would keep your own heart open, not going into anger or judgment toward your partner, so that when your partner decides to open again, there is no residue for you. You would not punish your partner for trying to punish you. You would just make sure that their punishment doesn’t work for them.

You would embrace your loneliness and heartache with deep compassion for yourself, sitting with these feelings for a few minutes and then releasing them to Spirit.

Eventually, when you are truly taking loving care of yourself, others will stop using the silent treatment, since it will no longer work for them.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process. Are you are ready to heal your pain and discover your joy? Learn Inner Bonding now! Click here for a FREE Inner Bonding Course: http://www.innerbonding.com/welcome, and visit our website at http://www.innerbonding.com for more articles and help. Phone Sessions Available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

Who Do you Want to be this Christmas?

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 23:18:49 +0000

Christmas is almost here and you get to decide who you want to be.

I don’t mean if you want to be Santa Claus. I mean what kind of person do you want to be? Do you want to be a person who chooses your actions according to your fears of rejection, of getting hurt, of ridicule, or of being taken advantage of? Or do you want to be a person who chooses your actions from your deep desire to be a kind, loving, caring person?

We all have free will to choose who we want to be each and every moment. Your choice of who you want to be comes from your choice of intent: to be controlling to protect yourself from your fears, or to be loving, and open to learning about loving. Your intent determines whether you are a warm, open, kind and caring person, or whether you are a closed, defensive, hard, or angry person.

Your intent also determines how you end up feeling. While you might want to believe that it is others’ rejection and uncaring behavior that cause your anxiety, depression, hurt feelings or anger, it is actually your own choice of who you want to be that causes these feelings. While others’ choices to be unloving can cause sadness, loneliness, heartache and heartbreak, if your choice is to protect against feeling these feelings and taking responsibility for nurturing them, then you will likely close off in reaction to others unloving behavior. It is 100% your choice to close off or to stay open and take responsibility for your own feelings.

Actually, you get to decide who you want to be each moment, not only during Christmas. But why not use Christmas as an opportunity to look deep inside and see who you have chosen to be most of the year? And, are you going to decide to take the risk of loving yourself and others just during the holidays, or all year?

Perhaps there a part of you inside who says, “If I’m open and caring, I will be too vulnerable to being hurt and used.”

The ego wounded part of us often believes that it is stupid to be open-hearted – that it leaves us too vulnerable to being hurt and walked over.

Yet the opposite is true. Here’s why:

In order to be truly open, loving, and caring with others, you have to first be open, loving and caring with yourself. If you are giving to others without first taking loving care of yourself, then you will likely have an agenda attached to what you give. When you have not taken responsibility for filling yourself up with love, then you are likely giving to others to get love from them. This makes you very vulnerable to rejection and to being used.

However, when you are truly devoted to being loving to yourself, you develop a strong, powerful inner loving adult who is fully capable of not taking rejection personally and of setting limits against being used or taken advantage of. When you are taking loving care of yourself, you would never reject yourself by giving yourself away to avoid others’ rejection.

This holiday season, take a chance and devote yourself to being loving to yourself and others. Consciously shift out of your intent to protect against being hurt or used and into the intent to be open and caring with yourself and others. You will be deeply rewarded by a wonderful sense of inner peace, fulfillment, and personal power!

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process. Are you are ready to heal your pain and discover your joy? Learn Inner Bonding now! Click here for a FREE Inner Bonding Course: http://www.innerbonding.com/welcome, and visit our website at http://www.innerbonding.com for more articles and help. Phone Sessions Available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

Why Do Men Change After Sex?

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 05:24:42 +0000

“Why do men so often change after sex?” asked Shelley in our first phone session.

“Tell me what you mean by this. What has been your experience?” I asked her.

“I meet a guy who I like. We are very attracted to each other – lots of great chemistry. It doesn’t take long before he is pushing for sex, and I want to have sex too. But most of the time I don’t hear from him again after having sex. Even if I wait a couple of months to have sex, this still happens. They seem so into me before sex and then completely lose interest after sex. I don’t get it.”

“Shelley, what are you looking for in a relationship?”

“What everyone wants – someone to love me, to make me feel safe and secure, someone to make me feel good inside.”

“Well, this is why men keep leaving you after sex. We attract people at our common level of woundedness. You are needy – looking for someone to love you and make you feel okay. As long as you are needy, you will attract another needy person. Like you, he is also hoping that you will fill him up and make him feel good. He is hoping that sex will do this for him, and when it doesn’t, he moves on. And it never can, since feeling loved and full and good inside comes from loving ourselves – not from being loved or from having sex.

“Until you learn to love yourself and take responsibility for making yourself feel good inside, this will continue to happen.”

“If I learn to love myself, why would I want a relationship?”

“To share love, and to learn and grow with a partner. When you learn to love yourself, you have lots of love to share and you get great joy out of sharing it with a loved one. When you learn to love yourself, you then attract a man who loves himself, and the two of you are able to share love, which is the highest experience in life. There is a huge difference between trying to get love and wanting to share love.”

“How do I learn to love myself?”

“This is what the Inner Bonding process is all about. It is a 6 Step roadmap for learning to love yourself. The first step is learning to be aware of your feelings and wanting responsibility for them. Instead of looking to a man to take away your aloneness and emptiness, your anxiety and insecurity, you decide that you want responsibility for learning how you are abandoning yourself that is causing these feelings.”

“I don’t think I can learn to love and take care of myself. My parents didn’t love me and I have no idea how to do this.”

“I understand. Most of us were not loved in the way we needed to be loved, but all of us can learn to do this. I assure you that you are capable of learning to love yourself. It takes time and practice, but you can learn to do this. And it is the only way that you will eventually create a loving relationship with a man. It has to start with a loving relationship with yourself. People always treat us the way we treat ourselves, so as long as you are abandoning yourself, you will feel abandoned by others.”

Shelley decided to learn how to love herself. It took time and practice for her to shift out of self-abandonment and into self-love, but she will tell you that it was well worth all the time and effort. Not only is she happy within herself now, but she also has a loving husband with their first child on the way.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?” and “Healing Your Aloneness.” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a free Inner Bonding course:http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at margaret@innerbonding.com . Phone sessions available.

Enjoy that? Discover lots more of Margaret’s excellent articles here in our Inner Bonding section.

When is it Helpful to Apologize?

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 23:37:15 +0000

“When it is helpful to apologize?” asked Patricia, a client of mine, in one of our phone sessions. Her husband, Brent, often expected her to apologize and she was confused about when it was appropriate.

The answer to this question is a little complex, because there are two different reasons that people apologize:

Sometimes people apologize to try to have control over the other person. If the other person has indicated that they expect an apology and you give it to them, whether or not you feel apologetic or feel that you have anything to apologize for, then you are trying to have control over how the other person feels about you.The problem with apologizing with the intent to control is that you have to give yourself up to do it, and this will always make you feel badly inside. Giving yourself up gives yourself the message that how the other person feels about you is more important than being true to yourself. So, even if the other person is happy with you that you apologized, you may feel some depression as a result of compromising your own integrity.

The other reason people apologize is because they genuinely feel badly about something they did. They apologize because it is loving to themselves to acknowledge their own unloving behavior. They apologize out of caring for themselves and for the person they are apologizing to. This apology is coming from a sense of integrity and leads to feeling peaceful within.

“Patricia, while it may seem helpful to apologize to appease Brent, in the long run it is anything but helpful. While it may calm things for the moment, in the long run it sets up a codependent system where Brent is making you responsible for his feelings. You have to apologize for him to feel okay or feel loving toward you. It is not your responsibility to care-take his feelings.

“On the other hand, if you have behaved in a way that you are not happy with, then it is taking responsibility for your own feelings to sincerely apologize to Brent.”

“So it is loving to apologize when I’m doing it for me, but not when I’m doing it for him?”

“Well, it is loving when you are doing it for both of you, but not just for him. When you are doing it just for him, then you are allowing him to control you and you are being compliant as a way to control him, which will never make you feel good inside or foster a loving relationship.”

“But what if he demands an apology before he will be loving to me?”

“Then he is making you responsible for his feelings, and by apologizing, you are making him responsible for your feelings. You are abandoning yourself to try to get love, rather than being loving to yourself. If you genuinely feel that you didn’t do anything for which you need to apologize, then it is loving to yourself to let go of whether or not he is being loving to you and accept the responsibility of being loving to yourself.”

“Oh, I get it! If I apologize to get him to be loving to me, even when I feel that I haven’t done anything wrong, then I am abandoning myself and trying to control him instead of being true to myself. No wonder I feel so badly when I do that! It’s been confusing because it’s very easy for me to apologize when I’ve been hurtful to him and it makes me feel good to do that, but apologizing when he is demanding it and I know that I have done nothing to apologize for makes me feel awful inside. Thanks for the clarity!”

Is Your Partner Always Pointing Out Your Flaws?

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 18:42:28 +0000

Some people believe that it is caring to point out their partner’s flaws – that it will help to make that person a better person. But the intent behind pointing out flaws is not loving – it is controlling.

Pointing Out Flaws

By pointing out flaws, you hope that your partner will let go of the things that you don’t like and become more the person you want him or her to be. Now, be honest with yourself – is it working?

Your partner might have one of two major responses to your judgments.

1. He or she might try very hard to become what you want them to be, thereby losing themselves. You might find that the more your partner tries to comply with your wishes, the less attractive he or she becomes to you. People who give themselves up are generally seen as doormats – not as personally powerful and attractive people. So, while your partner might try to change to be what you think you want him or her to be, you might find yourself losing interest.

2. Your partner might be a person who hates being controlled – hates being told what to do and how to be. When this is the case, he or she might shut down to you, resisting being controlled by you.

Since neither of these foster close, loving, intimate relationships – ask yourself again: Is it working?

Having Your Flaws Pointed Out

Are you with a partner that is always pointing out what he or she thinks is “wrong” with you? How do you respond to this? Are you the compliant type or the resistant type? How is this affecting you and your relationship?

Neither compliance nor resistance is loving to yourself. In both of these responses, you are abandoning yourself. It is obvious to see that giving yourself up is a form of self-abandonment. It is actually a form of control, the hope being that if you form yourself into who you think your partner wants you to be, he or she will love you. Now, honestly, is it working?

It may be harder to see that resistance is also a form of self-abandonment. Instead of being who you are and doing what you want to do, you are reactive to your partner, resisting being controlled by him or her. It is actually another form of giving yourself up because you are not doing what you want to do but instead just resisting what the other person wants. Again, be honest with yourself – it is working to create a loving relationship? Is it working to create a sense of personal self-worth?

Taking Loving Care of Yourself

This unloving relationship system can change! As the one who judges, you need to learn to take your eyes off trying to change your partner and put them on yourself – on how to take loving care of yourself regardless of what your partner is doing. You need to accept that trying to control your partner by pointing out flaws only creates a lack of intimacy.

As the one who is being judged, you need to stop being a reactor and start speaking up for yourself. You might feel terrific if, instead of complying or resisting, you were to say something like, “I’m not available to be judged by you. When you want to be accepting, let me know. Meanwhile, I’m going to (read a book, take a walk, go out with a friend, etc.).” We train people how to treat us, and by no longer being reactive to being judged and instead taking loving care of yourself, you might find that your partner gives up pointing out your flaws!

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?” and “Healing Your Aloneness.” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a free Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at margaret@innerbonding.com . Phone sessions available.

Enjoy that? Discover lots more of Margaret’s excellent articles here in our Inner Bonding section.

High Maintenance Relationships

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 17:47:03 +0000

What is a high maintenance relationship? A high maintenance relationship is when someone is making you responsible for him or her in various different areas of life.

Emotional High Maintenance

When a person takes no responsibility for their own feelings of safety, security, worth, lovability, wellbeing, or happiness, they are high maintenance.

Elizabeth wants constant approval, attention, and affection from her husband, William. When he is busy with work or his hobbies, she calls him incessantly, whining about when he is going to have time for her. At least a couple of times a week, she insists they talk about their relationship and proceeds to blame him for her unhappiness. But no matter how much approval or attention William gives her, she is never happy for long. Because she takes no responsibility for her own feelings, her happiness is totally dependent on William. Elizabeth is emotionally high maintenance.

Daniel needs things just the way they “should” be. If the kids are too noisy or the house isn’t in order, he blows up at his wife, Sophia. Daniel takes no responsibility for the inner self-abandonment that creates his need to be in control over everything. He makes his wife and children completely responsible for his feelings of emptiness and aloneness that are the result of his self-abandonment. Daniel is emotionally high maintenance.

Financial High Maintenance

When Anthony married Olivia, he was trying to get his acting career going and Olivia was earning a lot of money in finance. At first she had no problem supporting Anthony in his passion, but within a couple of years, Anthony had stopped looking for acting jobs and was living high off of Olivia’s salary. When Olivia consulted me for counseling, she was thinking about divorce. Anthony was constantly demanding more and more money for the things he felt he needed to be happy – and to cover up the deep insecurity that resulted from his inner abandonment. Anthony is financially high maintenance.

Brenda can never have enough clothes, shoes, and purses. And she never seems to have anything to wear. Her identity is completely tied up in how she looks and her material possessions. She takes no responsibility for her inner sense of safety and security. When her husband, Alex, refused to buy her a bigger house, she become enraged and threatened divorce. She is constantly judging Alex for not making enough money, even though Alex does very well. Brenda is financially high maintenance.

Sexually High Maintenance

Brad had learned when he was young to be harshly judgmental of himself, and he took no responsibility for the pain this caused him. Instead, he was constantly demanding that his wife, Emma, make him feel better by having sex with him. Brad uses his wife and sex to take away the pain that he is causing by his own self-abandonment. Brad is sexually and emotionally high maintenance.

Chloe grew up getting a lot of attention for her looks, which she now sees as her value. Emotionally self-abandoning, she looks to her husband, Matthew, to make her feel lovable by having sex with her. She often comes on to Matthew and then gets angry when he is not turned on to her. While Matthew used to be very attracted to Chloe, now he feels pulled on to make her feel loved and worthy. Chloe is sexually and emotionally high maintenance.

As the Partner

If you have a partner who is high maintenance, you need to realize that you, too, are not taking responsibility for your own feelings. Instead, you are enabling your partner to continue to turn to you for his or her sense of worth, security, lovability, and so on. As long as you are taking responsibility for your partner, you are not taking responsibility for yourself.

I encourage you to stop caretaking your partner, which is not loving to either of you, and start learning how to be loving to yourself – which is the very best thing you can do for yourself and for your partner!

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?” and “Healing Your Aloneness.” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a free Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at margaret@innerbonding.com . Phone sessions available.

Enjoy that? Discover lots more of Margaret’s excellent articles here in our Inner Bonding section.

Relationships: Cheating

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. — Sat, 12 Sep 2009 15:43:36 +0000

“Why would my boyfriend cheat on me?”
“I’m pretty sure my wife is cheating on me. I want to know why.”
“I know that my husband has been cheating on me for years. I don’t get why he does this.”

Why do people cheat on their partners? Why do others have affairs that their partners know about? Here are some of the reasons for cheating that I have encountered in my many years of counseling.

- Ed has been cheating on his wife for years. Ed is addicted to the thrill of conquest. It is not actually the sex he is after, but the sense of power he feels when he is able to get a woman in bed with him. Because Ed takes no responsibility for his own feelings and sense of worth, he uses women to fill him and define him. It has nothing to do with his wife – it is all about his lack of responsibility for his own neediness.

- Eloise cheats on her husband because she is seeking the attention from men that she refuses to give to herself. Eloise is constantly giving herself up to her husband and then blaming him for her unhappiness. Like Ed, Eloise takes no responsibility for her own feelings and needs. She seeks validation through sex and attention outside of her marriage because she refuses to learn to love herself. Eloise’s cheating has nothing to do with her husband.

- Max is terrified of intimacy. While he claims to love his girlfriend, he has a deep fear of being controlled by a woman. Instead of taking responsibility for his fears and developing a loving adult aspect of himself who is capable of setting limits against engulfment, his way of avoiding this fear is to have affairs. His cheating has nothing to do with his girlfriend.
Here are some reasons for having affairs that their partners know about, which cannot be called cheating since they are being honest about it:

- Gene and Gloria married after being long-time friends. They hoped that the passion would develop between them, but it never did. They care deeply about each other but they have no chemistry. While Gene is fine with this, Gloria isn’t and has a second relationship that meets her needs for passion and romance. Gene knows about this and accepts it.

- Roger has been with Edith for 30 years. While he loves her and doesn’t want to leave her and break up their family, they have little in common and little to say to each other. Roger has another relationship with Angie – a deeply connected emotionally and sexually intimate relationship. Edith knows about this, as Roger spends half his time with Angie. While Edith doesn’t like this, she has accepted it rather than end their marriage.
What I see is that there are basically two major reasons people have affairs, the first being far more prevalent than the second:

They are addicted to getting filled up and getting their sense of worth through sex or conquest. They are needy people who emotionally abandon themselves and use sex or power to fill the inner black hole that comes from their self-abandonment. These people generally have multiple affairs.

They are in a long-term marriage that they don’t want to leave, but the marriage is completely unfulfilling. These people do not have multiple affairs, but have a committed relationship with another person while staying married. Their partners generally know about it.

Most people who cheat are unwilling to do the inner work necessary to fill their own inner emptiness. Their cheating is addictive, and it is likely that they are also participating in other addictions to fill their emptiness – smoking, drinking, drugs, spending, gambling, food, work, TV, and so on. Until they decide to learn how to love themselves and take responsibility for their own feelings, it is unlikely that they will stop cheating.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?” and “Healing Your Aloneness.” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a free Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at margaret@innerbonding.com . Phone sessions available.

Enjoy that? Discover lots more of Margaret’s excellent articles here in our Inner Bonding section.

Giving Up: Have You Given Up on Yourself?

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. — Sun, 06 Sep 2009 20:32:14 +0000

“I feel like giving up,” Emma told me in our first phone session. “I’ve worked and worked on myself and I’m still miserable. I’ve had years of therapy and I still feel unbearably depressed. Nothing is working.”

“It sounds to me like you are abandoning yourself.”

“What do you mean? I take good care of myself. I eat well, exercise daily, work hard and take care of finances – in fact I’m doing really well financially – and I pamper myself. I get massages, get my nails done, and buy beautiful clothes. I have a nice house, a caring husband, and two wonderful children. I DO take care of myself, which is why I feel like giving up. I don’t get why you are telling me that I’m abandoning myself.”

“What are you feeling right now?”

“Miserable and angry at you for not understanding.”

“Are you willing to take responsibility for being the cause of your anger and misery?”

“What do you mean?”

“Are you willing to know that you are the cause of your misery and anger and to learn what you are doing to cause it?”

“Okay, but I don’t know what to do.”

“Emma, do you have any kind of spiritual connection?”

“No, I don’t believe in God.”

“I’d like you to imagine your own higher self – an older, wiser version of you. Are you willing to do that?”

“Okay.”

“Right now, just take a deep breath and imagine that you are sitting with a very unhappy child. Focus in your heart and imagine that your older, wiser self is with you. Ask her to bring compassion into your heart for your unhappy inner child. Find a place in you that really wants to learn about what you are thinking and doing that is causing your inner child to be so unhappy. Now ask your inner child out loud, ‘What am I thinking or doing that is causing you to be so unhappy?’”

Emma did this.

“Now allow your feeling self, which is your inner child, to answer you. Move into your unhappiness and allow that part of you to speak.”

Emma’s child: “You don’t even know I exist. You never pay any attention to me. You never listen to me. You judge me all the time. You are constantly telling me I’m not doing things right and that I’m not good enough.”

Emma was stunned. “Wow! That’s right! I am always judging myself. Is this what is causing my misery?”

“Yes, it’s part of it. Not only are you judging yourself, but then you ignore how you feel when you judge yourself. Then you project out on to others the fact that you are judging yourself and not listening to or understanding yourself. You got angry at me for not understanding you, which is a projection of you not understanding you. These are all ways you are abandoning yourself, which is what is causing your unhappiness. Now, ask your Guidance – your older wiser self – what you need to do so that your inner child starts to feel loved by you.”

Emma asks. “She says that I need to stop judging myself.”

“Emma, I suggest that you start to notice your judgments without judging yourself for judging yourself. You cannot stop something that you are not aware of doing. So just start to notice.”

Emma did start to notice, which enabled her to gradually become less judgmental of herself. As Emma learned and practiced the Inner Bonding process, she stopped abandoning herself and learned to treat herself with love.

“You know what?” she said to me in a phone session. “I feel joy for the first time in my life!”

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?” and “Healing Your Aloneness.” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a free Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at margaret@innerbonding.com . Phone sessions available.

Enjoy that? Discover lots more of Margaret’s excellent articles here in our Inner Bonding section.

Anger Power

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 05:01:52 +0000

Does anger have power? Are you being powerful when you are angry? The answers to these questions depend on what you mean by power.

Certainly you can intimidate many people with your anger – especially children or others who are physically weaker than you, or people who are terrified of disapproval and rejection. Anger – other than the outrage from the loving adult that leads to taking action against injustice – is a form of control. When you succeed in making others afraid of you, it often it works to get them to do what you want. But it will never work to get them to feel what you want them to feel, and it will never lead to the sharing of love.

Power Over or Power Within

There is a huge difference between “power over”and “power within.”

Anger at others is about power over, while taking responsibility for your own feelings is about power within.

People who use anger as a form of power and control believe that the means justifies the end. They believe that intimidating others into doing what they want them to do will work for them to make them happy. This is a huge false belief.

While you may be able to achieve financial success through various forms of manipulation, people who do achieve success in this way are not happy people. Have you ever seen an angry person be truly joyful?

Happiness and joy come from personal power, not from power over. Happiness and joy come from taking responsibility for your own feelings and behavior, and from caring about others rather than using or discounting others. Truly happy people are cooperative with others rather than controlling.

How Do You End Up Feeling When You Get Angry?

If you tend to get angry at others, take a look inside. How do you feel when you get angry? You might feel good for the moment, as all addictions feel good for the moment. But does getting angry at others lead you to feeling fulfilled, joyful and peaceful inside? Does it lead to connected,fun and fulfilling relationships with others? When you manage to get your way or get someone to do what you want them to do, do you end up feeling worthy, lovable, and filled up inside?

If you are honest with yourself, you will discover that anger or other forms of intimidation lead to feeling empty inside. The fullness of inner peace and joy come from being loving to yourself and to others – not from getting what you think you want.

Anger Meant to Intimidate May be Abusive

Anger meant to intimidate can take many forms. It can be loud or it can be silent. It can come through a look that says, “If you don’t do what I say, I will punish you with shutting down and withdrawing my love.” It can be a quiet threat, a menacing look, or overt rage. It can be physically violent or emotionally violent. But when it completely disrespects the other person, it is abusive. It is about getting what you want while disregarding what the other person wants and feels.

When your intent is to protect/control, anger may be one ofthe forms this takes. When it is habitual and addictive, it will change only when your intent changes from controlling to loving yourself and others.

While the wounded self believes that anger power works for you, what it is really doing is creating your aloneness and emptiness.

So what do you really want? Do you want to get your way, or do you want to be a happy, fulfilled person, able to share your love with others? You get to choose.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?” and “Healing Your Aloneness.” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a free Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at margaret@innerbonding.com . Phone sessions available.

Enjoy that? Discover lots more of Margaret’s excellent articles here in our Inner Bonding section.

Disengaging From Your Family of Origin

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 05:01:33 +0000

“Honor Thy Father and Thy Mother.”

But what if your father and mother didn’t honor you? What if instead of loving and honoring you they physically, sexually and emotionally abused you? What if you were scared every day of your growing up years? And what if, when you finally grow up and start to face the fact that your family of origin abused you, and through some therapy finally gain the courage to confront them with the abuse, they completely deny it and tell you that you are crazy? Do you stay in that family system or leave it?

There is little cultural sympathy, support, information, or education for adult children who are starting to face the fact that their family of origin abused them, and often their abusive family is still trying to get them to stay in the family system and play their programmed role.

One of the members of our Inner Bonding website asked me to write an article about this topic. “I see so many adults suffering in family relationships they believe they’re supposed to maintain, regardless of the cost to their integrity and health. More than anything, they’re lacking alternative role models and supportive information.”

Most people can’t even conceive of how or why exiting a family of origin might be a very loving action.

If you come from a highly abusive family who has done no healing and is in denial of the abuse, this is a deeply crazy-making situation. Staying in this situation only perpetuates the abuse that you are trying to heal. As a child, you didn’t have a choice, but as an adult, you don’t have to stay in an abusive and crazy-making situation, regardless of the pressure being put upon you.

Who Are You Responsible For?

What is most important here is to understand that you are not responsible for how your family feels about and reacts to your decision to disengage from them. While you might have been brought up to play the role of caretaker for your family, or you have played the role of the identified patient, you are not obligated to continue to play that role. In fact, healing involves letting go of responsibility for them and giving yourself the right and privilege of taking responsibility for yourself.

For example, Tara had been physically, sexually and emotionally brutalized by her father and not at all protected by her mother. Her parents continue to expect her to visit them, and she continues to tolerate her father’s incredibly mean behavior.

“Why do you visit them?” I asked her in one of our phone sessions.

“Obligation.”

“Why are you obligated?”

“Because they say I am.”

“Tara, please open to your inner Guidance and ask if it is loving to you – to your inner child – to continue to put yourself in the line of abuse.”

“…..No.”

“Are you willing to make taking loving care of yourself more important than obligation?”

“Yes! I didn’t know that it was okay to do that!”

“How do you feel?”

“So relieved!”

Honoring Your Father and Your Mother – From a Distance!

“Tara, you can still pray for your parents’ highest good without having to see them. You can still honor the deeply abandoned soul locked away within each of them, without dishonoring yourself by being around abusive behavior. Your responsibility is to take loving care of yourself and share your love with those who love you, rather than allowing yourself to continue to be abused.”

You do not owe your parents for having you, or for feeding and clothing you. You are not obligated to see them. You might choose to take care of them out of your caring for them, or even because it feels right to you to do that, but when being around them is deeply harmful to you, please consider disengaging from them.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?” and “Healing Your Aloneness.” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a free Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at margaret@innerbonding.com . Phone sessions available.

Enjoy that? Discover lots more of Margaret’s excellent articles here in our Inner Bonding section.

Why Don’t I Have Friends?

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 02:16:13 +0000

Why don’t I have friends?” asked Isabella in one of our phone counseling sessions.

Isabella, 25 and very attractive, was having a problem that many people have. Sometimes, if people don’t keep their high school friends or meet friends in college or at work, they may have trouble making friends.

Yet there are many people who seem to be able to make friends wherever they go. What is the difference between Isabella and these people who easily make friends?

Actually, there is a big difference.

The difference has to do with intent – with WHY a person wants to be friends.

Take a moment to go inside and be honest with yourself. Which is more important to you regarding making friends:

To get caring?

To share caring?

It was obvious to me that Isabella’s desire to have friends came from her ego wounded self. She wanted friends to fill her up, to entertain her and make her laugh, and to approve of her. She did not think of friendship in terms of what she had to offer, but of what she could get.

I thought of Chloe, another one of my clients, who had recently moved to a new city and already had a few really close friends. What was the difference between Isabella and Chloe?

Chloe is a naturally giving and caring person, with a quick and open smile. She is a good listener, and is the kind of person that you just know would be there for you if you needed her. The major difference between Isabella and Chloe is that Isabella has a big black hole inside her, while Chloe is full of love inside.

This is because Isabella makes others responsible for her feelings of worth and safety, while Chloe takes responsibility for her own sense of worth and safety. The result is that people feel pulled on by Isabella to fill her up and they back away from the pull, while they feel safe opening up with Chloe because they intuitively feel that she doesn’t need anything from them.

“Isabella, what is your idea of a friend?” I asked.

“A friend is there for you when you need her. She listens to you and wants to spend fun time with you.”

“And what is your idea of being a friend? What do you see yourself offering as a friend?”

Silence.

“What are you thinking, Isabella?”

“I’ve never thought about being a friend. I’ve just thought about having a friend.”

“It sounds like you want a friend to get caring rather than to share caring – is that right?”

“Yeah, I guess so. Is that wrong?”

“It’s neither right or wrong. It just doesn’t work well. Why would someone want a one way friendship with you?”

“I never looked at it that way.”

“Isabella, you don’t have any friends because you have a big black hole in you that pulls on others to fill it up. No one wants the responsibility of filling up your emptiness. Until you learn to be loving to yourself and take responsibility for your own feelings of worth, you will be pulling on others to do this for you, and they will back off from you. They will not be attracted to your neediness.”

“So what do I need to do to make friends?”

“You need to make friends with yourself first, by learning and practicing the Inner Bonding process – learning and practicing how to take loving care of your own feelings and define your own worth. Are you willing to do this?

“Yes!”

Isabella did do her inner work and was so gratified to find herself gradually making some friends. It took time, but it was worth it!

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?” and “Healing Your Aloneness.” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a free Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at margaret@innerbonding.com . Phone sessions available.

Enjoy that? Discover lots more of Margaret’s excellent articles here in our Inner Bonding section.

What Creates Confidence?

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 02:08:04 +0000

The Encarta World English Dictionary defines “confidence” as “a belief or self-assurance in your ability to succeed.”

We all know people who appear to be very confident professionally, yet when it comes to personal relationships, appear to be very insecure.

Personal confidence is totally different than professional confidence in that personal confidence is about who you are and professional confidence is about what you do.

PERSONAL CONFIDENCE

What creates personal confidence? How does one become confident in who they are?

If you grew up with parents who valued their own inner qualities and were role models for inner confidence, and valued your inner qualities and supported you in being who you are, it is likely that you feel personally confident.

But must of us did not grow up that way. Most of us grew up with parents or other caregivers who not only lacked personal confidence, but who may have blamed and shamed us, undermining our sense of self.

However, no matter how much we may have been de-valued as children, it is never too late to learn to value ourselves now. The secret in gaining personal confidence is to get to know your true Self – your soul essence – who you really are.

Your true Self is your essential inner qualities that you were born with, such as your ability to love, to be kind and caring, to be compassionate and empathic, and to listen well. It is about your basic goodness. It is also about your creativity, your unique talents, your particular forms of intelligence, your sense of humor, your smile, your laugh – all that is uniquely you.

If you were not valued for your true Self, then it is likely that you are not seeing or valuing your essence qualities. In fact, you might have decided a long time ago that you are not good enough – that you are somehow inadequate as a person. It is this false belief that creates feelings of inadequacy and a lack of personal confidence.

Right now, imagine that you can see yourself, not from the eyes of your programmed ego wounded self, but from the eyes of your higher self – the eyes of love. Visualize yourself as a very small child and look inside at who that child is. What do you see? Is there anything about you as a small child that makes you unlovable? What are the wonderful qualities that are inherent in you as a child? If this child were your actual child, how would you feel about him or her?

Throughout the day today, practice noticing and valuing your inner qualities. If you do something kind, say to your inner child, “I really value your kindness.” If you are creative or funny, express appreciation for these qualities. Day by day, as you consistently value your intrinsic qualities, you will find yourself gaining in personal confidence. When you learn to appreciate rather than judge who you are you will feel personally confident.

PROFESSIONAL CONFIDENCE

Professional confidence comes with time and practice. The more you learn and practice a particular skill, the better you become at it and the more confidence you have regarding this skill. With enough time and practice, anyone can become confident in their ability to perform.

Some people attempt to define themselves by their performance, believing that what they DO defines who they ARE. When this is the case, they will continue to lack personal confidence, no matter how successful they are professionally. When you attach your worth to your external success, then you have to continually succeed to be worthy, which creates much inner stress. If you find yourself constantly judging yourself to get yourself to perform, you might want to notice that it is this self-judgment that erodes your personal confidence.

Confidence as an adult does not come from others approval. Valuing both who you are and what you do is what creates a deep level of inner confidence.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?” and “Healing Your Aloneness.” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a free Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at margaret@innerbonding.com . Phone sessions available.

Enjoy that? Discover lots more of Margaret’s excellent articles here in our Inner Bonding section.

“I Feel Empty”

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 22:13:05 +0000

If you feel empty, you are not alone in feeling this way.

Many people feel empty inside, and most people who feel empty have some deep false beliefs regarding why they feel empty.

Below are some of these false beliefs.

I feel empty because:

My partner is not giving me enough love and attention.

I don’t have a partner.

I’m bored because my partner doesn’t provide me with enough stimulation.

My work is unsatisfying.

I’m not successful enough.

I don’t have enough money.

I have no one to play with on weekends.

Nothing excites me. Life is boring.

I don’t get enough love, attention and approval from people.

I don’t get enough sex.

None of these situations are the causes of inner emptiness.

What do you usually do to try to fill the inner emptiness? Do you try to fill up with:

Substances, such as food, sugar, alcohol, drugs, cigarettes?

Processes and activities, such as TV, Internet, sex, computer games, work, shopping, spending, gambling, telephone, email?

Manipulations such as anger, blame, over-talking, story-telling, caretaking others?

There are many substances, processes, behaviors and activities that people use addictively to try to fill the emptiness. These may work for the moment, but not for long. Soon, the emptiness is back and you are looking for another fix to temporarily fill up the black hole.

The problem with all these behaviors is that they only address the symptom of inner emptiness, but not the cause.

The Cause of Inner Emptiness

There is only one thing that truly fills the emptiness. Love. There is only one cause of inner emptiness: a lack of love.

But it is not a lack of someone else’s love that causes your emptiness. Inner emptiness is caused by self-abandonment – by not loving yourself.

Inner emptiness comes from a lack of connection with your spiritual Source of love – from not opening to the love-that-is God and bringing that love to yourself through true thought and loving action in your own behalf.

Just as a child feels alone and empty when there is no one there to love him or her, your inner child also feels alone and empty when you are not there to love him or her. When you abandon yourself by judging yourself, ignoring your feelings by staying in your head, numbing your feelings through substance and process addictions, and making others responsible for your feelings and for loving you, you will feel empty. You are causing your own emptiness by your self-abandonment.

Your ego wounded self is filled with false beliefs regarding who you are. Your wounded self may see you as inadequate, unlovable, not good enough, not important, selfish, bad, wrong. Your wounded self operates from core shame – that you are intrinsically flawed.

These are programmed beliefs that have no basis in truth, but they may be running your life. When you believe that you are not good enough, then you turn to others and to addictions to try to feel okay – to fill the emptiness that you are causing with your self-judgment/self-abandonment.

Filling Your Inner Emptiness – Learning to Love Yourself

The truth of who you are comes only from Spirit – from your higher self, your spiritual source of Guidance, from God (or whatever you call Spirit). When you open to learning with a source of spiritual Guidance about the truth of who you are and about what is loving action toward yourself and others, you open to the love-that-is-God coming into your heart and filling your inner emptiness.

This occurs when you SHIFT YOUR INTENT from protecting against pain and avoiding responsibility for yourself through your addictive and controlling behaviors to learning, with Spirit, about what is loving to yourself and others. This is what Inner Bonding is all about.

Today, choose the intent to learn with Spirit about truth and about loving yourself – even if you don’t believe that anything is there to answer you – and see what happens. You might start to feel full of love inside!

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?” and “Healing Your Aloneness.” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a free Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at margaret@innerbonding.com . Phone sessions available.

Enjoy that? Discover lots more of Margaret’s excellent articles here in our Inner Bonding section.

Relationships: Giving Yourself Up Can Kill You

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 20:16:17 +0000

Years ago, when on a book tour for our book, “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?”, my ex-husband and I had dinner with a couple on the East Coast with whom he had become friends. I connected with Allison (not her real name) immediately. Warm and open, I could see that she was a deeply caring woman. On the other hand, her husband Ken, while overtly charming, had a huge black hole inside that felt like a vacuum cleaner sucking the energy out of everyone. His need for attention was overwhelming to me.

A few months after that dinner, I heard that she had committed suicide. I immediately understood why.

It was evident to me in that dinner that Allison had completely given herself up to Ken, giving him all her attention and constantly trying to fill his empty hole. She had completely abandoned herself in her attempts to take responsibility for his feelings. The result was that, instead of Ken healing, he had become more and more dependent on her over the years, and Allison felt more and more trapped and drained. I don’t know why she felt she could not leave rather than kill herself, but apparently she did not see leaving as an option.

I understood because I was in the same situation – with my husband, my parents, and my children. I was the caretaker for everyone, and I was slowly dying from having completely abandoned myself and given myself up to others.

I chose, after 30 years of marriage and many attempts to break the taker-caretaker system, to leave rather than die. I wish Allison had made the same choice.

Today I work with people all over the world, both men and women, who feel so trapped by the neediness and demands of their spouse that they are in deep depression, often wanting to die. They feel guilty if they take care of themselves rather than care-take their partner. They believe they are selfish if they take responsibility for their own feelings and needs instead of giving themselves up for others, and their partners reinforce this by telling them how selfish they are if they attempt to change the caretaking-taking system.

What they don’t realize is that continuing to take responsibility for others’ feelings and needs – others who are fully capable of taking care of their own feelings and needs (excluding babies, the ill, and the elderly) – is enabling, rather than loving to others. When we do for others what they can and need to do for themselves, we disable them, causing them to feel even more empty and insecure. While love heals, caretaking does not. Love means supporting ourselves and others in our highest good, which never means giving ourselves up to care-take others who are capable of taking care of themselves.

If you feel trapped and depressed, and you think about dying or you wish your spouse would die, then you are giving yourself up rather than taking responsibility for your own feelings and needs. If the pull on you to care-take those around you is too great for you to find your way through to taking care of yourself, or if your guilt prevents you from taking care of yourself, then the loving action may be to leave until you can break the codependent system between you and your spouse or you and others.

It is your right to have life, liberty and happiness. It is your right to take responsibility for doing what brings you joy, while supporting others in doing what brings them joy. You are not on the planet to fill up another’s inner emptiness and trying to do so is not loving to yourself or to them. If you feel trapped, consider beginning to free yourself.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?” and “Healing Your Aloneness.” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a free Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at margaret@innerbonding.com . Phone sessions available.

Enjoy that? Discover lots more of Margaret’s excellent articles here in our Inner Bonding section.

Emotional Dependency vs. Emotional Freedom

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 23:04:44 +0000

What is Emotional Dependency?

Lydia consulted with me because her relationship with her husband, Andrew, was falling apart. Andrew had moved out, stating that he could no longer tolerate Lydia’s neediness and constant pull on him to make her feel loved and secure.

Now that they were separated, Lydia’s emotional dependency was getting even worse. She was deeply addicted to Andrew making her feel better, if only through a brief text message.

Lydia believed that her feelings of safety, worth, and lovability had to come from someone else. She took no emotional responsibility – no responsibility for what she was telling herself and how she was treating herself that were causing her pain and panic.

As we worked with the Inner Bonding process, it became clear to Lydia that her panic was being caused by her own self-abandonment, not by Andrew abandoning her. She was constantly abandoning her inner child by judging herself, ignoring the feelings resulting from her self-judgments, and then handing her inner child to Andrew to take care of. When she couldn’t reach Andrew, she would collapse into tears and soothe herself with TV and food. She constantly felt panicked, not because Andrew was not there for her, but because she had never developed an inner loving adult capable of taking loving care of herself.

As a result of her self-abandonment, Lydia was constantly emotionally needy and pulled on Andrew with her tears and anger. While she said she loved Andrew, her primary intent was to get love rather than to give and share love. Lydia was emotionally dependent.

What is Emotional Freedom?

We are emotionally free when:

1.       We do not make others, the past, or circumstances responsible for our feelings – we do not see ourselves as victims. Instead, we take responsibility for causing our own suffering by noticing how we treat ourselves and what we tell ourselves, and we nurture ourselves through the grief, sorrow, and loneliness that come from painful life events, such as the death of a loved one.

2.       We are not governed by our feelings. Our feelings guide us, but we are not led around by them. We recognize that our positive feelings of love, peace, and joy are letting us know that we are taking loving care of ourselves, and that our negative feelings of anger, fear, hurt, anxiety, depression, guilt, shame, and so on are letting us know that we are abandoning ourselves.

3.       We do not collapse into our feelings, becoming our feelings. Instead, we are a witness of our feelings and learn from them and/or nurture them.

We are emotionally free when we learn from our feelings and take loving action in our own behalf to take responsibility for our painful feelings, and for our feelings of worth, lovability, safety and security.

Relationships and Emotional Responsibility

Relationships flounder when one or both partners are emotionally dependent on the other partner for their feelings of worth, lovability, safety, and security. When you abandon yourself and make your partner responsible for your pain and your self-worth, then you are stuck trying to have control over your partner taking care of you – doing for you what you need to be doing for yourself.

When you are not loving and valuing yourself, you do not have love to share with your partner. You are constantly trying to get love rather than share love. Trying to have control over getting the love that you need to be giving to yourself is what creates most relationship problems.

When each person in a relationship decides to learn how to take responsibility for their own feelings, they can then come together to learn, grow, play, and share love. This is much more fun than trying to get love!

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?” and “Healing Your Aloneness.” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a free Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at margaret@innerbonding.com . Phone sessions available.

Enjoy that? Discover lots more of Margaret’s excellent articles here in our Inner Bonding section.