10 Ways to Tell You’re at a No Frills Funeral

Apr 6, 2009 by Carl Megill

The economy is hitting us hard. (How many people reading this just said, “No kidding”, or some other expletive?) I’ll deal with you later. Right now, it’s important to realize that the economy is hurting big business, as well as the little “Mom and Pop” stores. And, if mom and pop don’t get paid, then the kids don’t get their allowances and then they protest by refusing to do their chores and if the kids don’t do their chores, we’ll be stuck taking out the garbage ourselves. Something needs to be done. But, I digress.

The point I’m trying to make is that many businesses are trying to get you to do trade with them by offering specials, sales and discounts. How far will this go? A funeral home in the northeast, realizing the high cost of funerals, is offering discounts, in order to deal with their competitors. But, I’m thinking, enough is enough (Barbra Streisand and Donna Summer, 1979). How can you possibly cut back on a funeral? Well, here are ten ways to tell that you are at a “no-frills” funeral.

1. The clergy performing the ceremony is dressed in a lavender, velour sweat suit.

2. The organist, playing spiritual melodies, has been replaced by a deejay spinning non-stop Grateful Dead tunes.

3. Several of the handles on the casket have broken off and have been replaced with strong pieces of Kemp.

4. The makeup on the deceased has apparently been applied by a graduate of The Clown College.

5. Instead of embalming fluid, the body has been preserved by using a mixture of Knox gelatin and peanut butter.

6. Or, the cremation remains are stored in a mayonnaise jar.

7. The signatory hearse is a black, 2005 PT Cruiser.

8. A few of the pallbearers complained of splinters.

9. The actual burial takes place in the middle of the night in, what appears to be, someone’s back yard.

10. The headstone is actually a large block of Government donated cheese.

Yes, the economy is doing its best to make us find ways we never thought of to, well, economize. This could be just the beginning. Imagine a “no-frills” hospital. Boggles the mind and, well, could be the fodder for at least a dozen more articles. What am I waiting for? Later.

After working as a deejay at a New Jersey radio station, where Carl Megill was given free reign to write commercial parodies and a 64 episode comedy soap opera, he branched out into the wonderful world of writing sitcoms. Although none ever sold, he did win, or placed high, in several script writing contests. This included first place in the TVWriter.com competition for an “Everybody Loves Raymond” script. He also enjoyed winning a playwriting competition for a comedy entitled, “You’re Never Too Old,” which was produced on stage to favorable reviews. Four of his short plays have also been produced.

His only screen credit is as a staff writer for the Seattle based sketch comedy program “Night Shift.” It’s also his only credit at imdb. His humor column, “The Mind of Megill,” has appeared in print and on the internet. He has also written and performed stand up comedy at area comedy clubs. He enjoys writing, sports and referring to himself in the third person.